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(sometimes, I write the same idea twice in two forms, in parallel, to see how they manifest differently) Have you ever noticed how the names of skin conditions if they weren’t actually diseases...

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Creativity doesn’t comes from mental instability. Co-related but no causation. A package deal but madness is not a muse, it’s just along for the ride. Art shine brightest when the monster in...

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If you think about it, whenever you had your first Shirley Temple was probably also when you busted your Maraschino cherry. A rapping lich called “Soul Jar Boy”. If you drink too man...

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Ah, look at that one tiny person! Ah, look at that one tiny person! Danny Devito Offers an egg in support, during these trying times It isn’t a crime Helming “Matilda” Narrating, playing th...

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In a world where student loans exist, how could we possibly be afraid of ghosts? We are all daily harassed by strangers from the other side of the world because of a decision we made at 17, ...

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Have you ever noticed how if the names of many skin conditions weren’t the names of skin conditions they’d be exotically beautiful names for woman performers? Like pop stars or strippers? ...

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Ewan McGregor is cast in a Tarzan bio-pic and meets Tarzan himself as part of his research. “Mr. McGregor, me Tarzan.” “Please. Just Ewan.” “Just Ewan, me Tarzan.” “Just me and you what?”...

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American culture has two obsessions that always bite us in the ass, personally and collectively: answers and endings, a&e. There’s a cable station named that. Even though the name was “arts ...

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Pretend that you believe a character in D&D that uses both martial prowess and magical skill a “Gish” out of respect to the versatility of the great silent film star Lillian Gish. A ...

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An anime about the powered armor battles of Mesopotamia lost to history called GILGAMECHS. Duramax, Cummins, Power Stroke, it turns out all the diesel engines these days have names like ...

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The Feast of St. Ernest is on the Heyvernal Equinox. In the fancy neighborhoods, they Robert for apples instead. “White magic rituals only” She said, like some kind of Dudley Do-Rit...

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One of the more overlooked difficulties with the structure of American culture is the way we lay out our holidays. Folks act like holidays are inviolate pillars of historical and societal consta...

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Zootopia fan fiction contains entirely too much bunnilingus. I like to believe that the bottom ranks of a rugby league are referred to as the “scrum dumpster”. Turns out that they’re...

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A police procedural about food crimes called “Law and Order: Special Victuals Unit”. Why say “fisting orgy” when you can say “three-hole punch”? When you need a ritual in five minute...

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I hope that one day the future archeologists think that the Masters of the Universe franchise was actually a religion, because I really want them theorizing about Orkodox priests. An old...

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Just to be clear, none of this is to say I hate Los Angeles. That’s far from the case. It’s beautiful. It might be the most gorgeous place under all the blues of heaven. But that’s sort of the p...

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I’ve always enjoyed the irony that Cat Stevens’ song “Wild World” might be the least wild song of all time. Shedding your sense of expectation, maybe even entitlement, is difficult enoug...

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The Green Goblin truck from that terrible Stephen King movie except it’s Shrek and it’s called MAXIMUM OGREDRIVE. Jeff Goldblum as Count Von Count, the dialogue would be 80% just the syl...

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Why say “pregnant despite chastity belt” when you could say “snatch-key kid”? That feeling of “why do I keep playing this video game when I’m so bad at it, why do I enjoy it anyway?” but...

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ABANDON METER, BECOME PROSE. Even though I don’t like eating candy corn, The Candy Corn Discourse is so heavy, it makes me WANT to like it. A non-alcoholic strip club called BOTTOMLE...

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“About your coworker who busks as Elvis?” I asked, to change our subject from myself and my bottomless personal failings. “My friend Tony.” Frank corrected knowingly, “What about him?” “Did yo...

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We have put Circuit City and Hooters into the malfunctioning teleporter and they have fused into something called “Breast Buy”. Why say “wet nurse” when you could say “succor mom”? A...

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If you don’t actually know her, please, give her the respect of calling her “Pajama Harvey”. Nicknames are for friends. Still don’t know why they haven’t tried a “Sabrina The Middle-Aged...

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She talked about Victorian chimneysweeps so much, people started wondering if she had a soot fetish. Why call your enlarging mist “Pym particles” when you could call it “magnifying gas”?...

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When Frank was the yeti equivalent of boy-hood and early teens, safely ensconced in the enclave of dense trees and subtle glamours he called home from birth, the fact he had anger issues wasn’t ...

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