Entries 3,142
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may 12
Utz: the only snack chip brand that is also one of the handful of sounds in rave music. I certainly can’t imagine Rob Thomas turning down the opportunity to get paid to promote an instant mas...
may 10
A Coverdale-Page cover band just called “Dale Page”. A parody of “All-Star” that opens with the lines “Rhett BUTLER once told me / the dude don’t wanna know me / said frankly, dear, he don’t ...
may 8
You have the right to say wherever the story starts and stops for you. Intellectual property law has become a farce and story canon, doubly so. It begins and ends where you need it to. Don’t ...
may 6
Your skeleton warrior will ride a zombie horse named Chivalry into battle. When asked how it got that name, your skeleman will simply say (however a skeleman talks, with no mouth or lungs, I’m ...
may 4
Everybody’s always talking about the life coaching of Tony Robbins but no one ever credits his mentor Tony Batmans. Mothman, but he’s there to teach children about the calendar and he’s calle...
may2
A reality show in Shrek 7 called “Porridge Wars”, probably. Bricklayers don’t die, they just throw in the trowel. It was the most expensive sushi you ever had, so you saved and froze one pi...
my 5,000th prosebox post
A Quentin Tarantino themed amusement park thing called “Mr. Toes’ Wild Ride.” Part of how you know SAVED BY THE BELL is just Zak from GOOD MORNING MISS BLISS having a narcissistic daydream i...
april 28
Always refer to the speed of an airport people mover as “terminal velocity”. Having to be on a low-carb diet can render you person-non-gratin. Walking through my hometown, noticing people ...
april 26
Sometimes I think I should sue Goldfish crackers because I’m the REAL snack who smiles back. The worst part about human life is that it ends but the best part is that it happens at all. How...
april 24
At the strap on factory, all jobs are entry level. To eat Micro Magic Microwave French Fries was to be living in the future. Perhaps the future died when we rejected those damned marvels, lea...
april 22
If we were meant to have hardwood floors, God or nature or evolution or whatever wouldn’t have given us feet designed perfectly for walking on lush fluffy grass with springy soil beneath, natur...
april 20
“Maybe we can lose these guys tailing us at the airport, there’s so much security there, they can’t make a scene without getting arrested.” “That’s brilliant! We’ll hide in plane sight!” Reme...
april 18
The Science School Bus, using super-science to bring students into strange realms so as to teach them how magic works. Why call it “sex lube” when you can call it “oil du soiree”? The borde...
april 16
Carpet diem, hug the floor! A great pen name would be “Justin Dure”. The irony that the people on the internet who think there’s a conspiracy culturally training us to each bugs also worshi...
april 14
“Relax,” he told her, as if that wasn’t the hardest thing to do in the entire universe. If they’re going to keep making Jurassic Park movies, not because the sequels have been good but becaus...
april 12
Bands shouldn’t have a “Final Tour”, they should be honest and call it the “Pre-Reunion Tour”. Eventually their individual needs for attention or money will overwhelm their hatred for each othe...
april 10
LESS CONCERN ABOUT EARNING POTENTIAL, MORE CONCERN ABOUT YEARNING POTENTIAL If you’re not there yet, lemme tell you, one of the fun things about getting old is when you hear “nostalgia tours”...
april 8
“Oh man, I’m sorry I forgot you’re a vegetarian.” “No problem, no ham, no fowl.” We may as well give Willy Wonka a nemesis who is a TikTok chocolate influencer called Hustle Stovers. Someti...
april 6
A movie about a serial killer whose calling card is a box of Milano cookies called PEPPERIDGE FARMS REMEMBERS WHAT YOU DID LAST SUMMER. When the suits aren’t taking a cut, they tell artists t...
april 4
If I had any musical talent, I’d craft an summer rock anthem called “I’m Handsome For A Thick Boy”, not only for all the other chonky dudes to gain confidence, but for myself, since it’d be my ...
ap2
If they can build a bottle opener into every folding knife ever, they can probably build them into big dangly earrings in a way that isn’t obvious to anyone but the wearer, right? Is this the n...
ap1
It turned out that Carmen Sandiego was in San Diego the whole time. Yeah. Reverse psychology is a key weapon for international thieves, apparently. You don’t get many opportunities to retort ...
march 30
You have completed the 101 class, watching Barbie and Oppenheimer as a double feature, “Barbenheimer”. Good. Now onto the advanced lesson, watch Frankenhooker and Toxic Avenger back to back or,...
march 28
You have completed the 101 class, watching Barbie and Oppenheimer as a double feature, “Barbenheimer”. Good. Now onto the advanced lesson, watch Frankenhooker and Toxic Avenger back to back or,...
march 26
If you ever have the opportunity to respond condescendingly to The Pringles Guy, please start your retort with the words “My brother in crisps”. Thank you. A parody of “Dancing In The Moonlig...
Book Description
originally, I went to college to be a comedy writer
the urge to still generate short form ideas remains
I collect, once or twice a day, my one-liner jokes
and my germs of ideas that I litter on social media
into little collections I call “barrages”
and then I put them here
sometimes
