dec 31 bonus barrage blow-out (360 weird ideas!) in idea barrages

1. Sunday night into Monday morning, we will have anything from a dusting to a foot and a half of snow, depending how desperate for clicks the given news site is.

2. Papa John looks like a melting wax statue of Liberace.

3. I’m so old I remember when Weezer was trying to make music that could be appreciated unironically.

4. Preaching online just makes you part of the e-rector set.

5. They didn’t care that he was lesser nobility, he was all the locals had and they loved getting a hometown viscount.

6. Now that people have more reliable internet on their cellies than at their work places, can we stop pretending Cyber Monday is a thing? It was never a thing in the first place.

7. So it will begin now. The roar of snowmobiles with nowhere to go and nothing to do, only moving at all to see how loudly they can annoy the fellow members of the community under the paper thin veil of “outdoor winter fun”. Awesome.

8. Ollie the dog is basically a furry hurricane of destruction. Ollie the dog is a furricane.

9. “Was so tired from a sleepless night last night dealing with the dog that when I came home from work, I napped for five hours, woke up and am going back to sleep for six more” sounds so lame. “I’m experimenting with polyphasic sleep” sounds a lot cooler.

10. Why call it “linguistic drift” when you could call it a vowel movement?

11. Had they involved a duck instead of a goose, they coulda called Untitled Goose Game “Big Duck Energy” for double memeiness.

12. Isn’t the Batsuit just waynescoating?

13. Unnerve a snowblower today by walking up beside him and yelling “spray it all over me, Daddy”. You gotta make your own fun up here in the snow belt.

14. Step one: put a pair of capris on a horse’s head. Step two: start yelling “Look everyone, a capricorn!” Step three: ??? Step four: profit!

15. An A.I. programmed to perfectly simulate Bea Arthur called VRthur.

16. I tend to believe that if you’re really bad-ass, you don’t need to act like you’re bad-ass. If you’re a metal band or a rapper and you call yourself Scant Teaspoon, you have nothing to prove to anyone and you’re actually hardcore.

17. If taking mixed signals as a no were an Olympic sport, I would be the Michael Phelps of assuming rejection.

18. No no, the worst fan-fiction of all time would be called “Doctor uWu”.

19. Look, if Billie Eilish ain’t ever heard “Panama”, good for her. The neurons my generation wasted on differentiating the 15 different singles Van Halen released with “love” in the title is probably the exact deficit that allowed votes for Ralph Nader and Jill Stein. Good for her.

20. Odin would probably rule Asgard more efficiently if he wasn’t so crow-dependent.

21. A parody of “Heart Shaped Box” about a D&D dungeon-master begging his bored players to come back. “Hey! Wait! I’ve got a new campaign!”

22. I only had one coffee at open mic tonight because I have a relatively early shift at the library tomorrow. This is the closest I’ve ever been to a responsible adult.

23. Why say “I threw up in my mouth a little” when you can say “I made you a vomlette”?

24. Post Malone accidentally invented joy-cancelling headphones. We will call them Defeats by Post.

25. It is astonishing how twisted around our culture gets sometimes, where acts of reinforcing a cruel or thoughtless status quo can be repackaged as edgy rebellion.

26. The industrious snake charmer out there working his asp off.

27. Develop a phone app that ad blocks those gas station ads somehow and you’ll be able to retire that year.

28. Sports gambling is just multi-level marketing for toxic masculinity.

29. A red velvet cupcake in honour of the Velvet Underground called “Oh! Sweet Muffins” would be a pun only a few would get but it’d be WORTH it.

30. A deconstructed spaceship engaging in molecular astronomy.

31. Imagine Elmer Fudd singing Raspberry Beret.

32. I like to pretend that the guy on the Pringles can doesn’t have hair or a mustache, just two large spiders that live on his face.

33. Waking up from a brief napmare with the distinct impression that you are cursed and doomed and could only find reprieve if you returned every book you ever borrowed and forgot to return.

34. A Nine Inch Nails parody about Nicktoons. YOU ARE THE PERFECT DOUG, THE PERFECT DOUG, THE PERFECT.

35. Thesis: the Cabbage Patch Kids. Antithesis: the Garbage Pail Kids. Synthesis: the Pacific Garbage Patch.

36. Why doesn’t Ken Jennings have a line of pants called Ken Jeggings?

37. What they’re saying is that the cruelty is included at no additional charge. Value-added cruelty. Cruelty free!

38. Has some craft brewer teamed up with this new Alanis Morrisette tour for “Jagged Little Pilsner ” yet or…

39. An 80s throwback Radvent calendar.

40. Most Bush songs sound like Creed songs slightly slowed down by which I mean to insult both bands.

41. Mike Francesa and Ric Flair are locked in a bitter rivalry to see who can retire and unretire more in one lifetime.

42. This dog, as dogs cannot understand complex parts of language only intonation, cannot understand when I tell him “dog, I love you but that doesn’t mean you deserve that love”. He is a very bad dog but he is my buddy nonetheless.

43. When someone is going off on how drunk they got last night, is that a stumblebrag?

44. Basically what I’m asking for is a millennial rapper named Ice Matcha Latte.

45. Kombucha translates from the Japanese into “gullible white people”.

46. A youtuber yelling “LYNX IN THE DESCRIPTION” and then being devoured by a giant cat.

47. The only reason I haven’t walked into a pet store and started loudly singing THIS IS THE DAWNING OF THE AGE OF AQUARIUMS. AGE OF AQUARIUMS. AQUARIUMS. AQUARIUMS! is the fear of arrest.

48. If your ad goes viral but to do so you end up not promoting your product, you just wasted your money feeding the meme mill without any benefit. “Awareness” is just as useless in a vacuum as “Exposure”.

49. We are all storytellers in our own ways, the human race, despite our cruelty and grace alike, we are all figment spinners. Other beasts can think and feel and use tools. Humanity is defined by stories.

50. In my dreams of late, my father didn’t die, was sick but got better and then died again by the end of the dream. I’ve no idea what it means.

51. Do you need a funny sarcastic boyfriend to help you mock your enemies? I can be your snide piece.

52. Sports radio is now 83% ads for erectile dysfunction pills or gambling. Everything you need to know about America in 2019 is right there.

53. A romantic comedy about two grammarians who fall in love over their mutual hatred of linguistic evolution called LOVE, FIGURATIVELY.

54. The greatest trick Derren Brown ever played was making people accept that he spells his name “Derren”.

55. When I was a kid, it was Grungebob Rippedpants.

56. Is a sale on penile enlargement operations a package deal?

57. Don’t be an Immanuel Kant, be an Immanuel Kan!

58. Pip was the original trust fund hipster, coulda called the whole thing GREAT AFFECTATIONS

59. If not for Star Wars, if I heard the name Jarjar Binks, I’d assume it was a Scandanavian hockey player. Like “Goal for the Comets, Michele LaFleur, assist - Jarjar Binks.” sorta deal.

60. There will always be conspiracies of power, no one can opt out, there is no defeating them all for long. The trick is gridlock, to have so many of them fighting each other that individual freedom slips through their hands. Checks and balances.

61. Home Improvement but it’s all Fantastic Four characters. Reed hosts a Bill Nye type show but Ben always has to translate into normal for him. Victor Doom is the neighbor that only shows part of his face because of his horrible scars.

62. A painting of a pipe with the caption “I see you looking at my pipe” entitled The Lechery of Images.

63. If you use Method acting to portray Method Man, do the Methods cancel out and you’re just Man?

64. In my dream last night, I attended the closing of the last Chuck E Cheese and the last Toys R Us. I know that in reality they both still kind of exist in rump truncated forms but dreams eschew such subtleties. I attended endings in my dream. Also: I want to recreate the famous LAST WALTZ concert with reclaimed Chuck E Cheese and Rockafire Explosion animatronics.

65. History is not a straight line toward glorious revolution and inevitable victory. Both the left and right in America fall for this mythic monotheistic lie. History is incremental, fighting cycles to ameliorate suffering, forever struggling to not backslide. Our lives are too short to not repeat mistakes every generation, sometimes all good women and men can do is hold the line and that’s okay. Sometimes that’s all the good you can do.

66. Rare are the times a woman or a man can summon the sunshine but maybe we can instead beat back the darkness together.

67. The fantasy that you are the one who will fix everything or your generation is or the person you project onto is, this is the trap they use to get you to over reach, fail miserably and give up. Do the good in front of you, help who you can, that’s how you affect change.

68. When they ask you what’s behind the Employees Only door, say “that’s where we keep the extra employees”.

69. Working at a cafe makes me wanna write a parody of Desperado about affogatos.

70. A distant sequel to DOUG where he is tempted to cheat on Patti Mayonnaise by her exotic Italian cousin, Patti Aioli.

71. I wonder if a producer was ever negotiating with his agent and was like “More like Morgan EXPENSIVEman!”

72. Upon the perfection of cryonics, Michael Buble was frozen late December to late November every year, that he might ruin the holidays for generations to come.

73. A terrible holiday card would have Santa completing his rounds with “Merry Christmas…” on the cover, then on the inside, Santa starkers on his clothing-optional beach vacation on some island with the phrase “…and a Happy Nude Year!”

74. If your bumper sticker says 26.2, you run marathons. If it says 182, you listen to terrible pop-punk.

75. Can we start a Hall of Pretty Good near Cooperstown, maybe in Richfield Springs, to put Mattingly in so Yankees fans will finally shut up about him? Being pretty good and a Yankee doesn’t make you a Hall of Famer, jeezychreezy.

76. Isn’t a comedy roast just being ribbed, for your pleasure?

77. There are times you feel like you wanna use that “separate the art from the artist” approach on yourself. Like, I really like my WORK but I’m iffy on ME sometimes.

78. If there’s a weird face on your hedgehog, don’t be alarmed now/that’s just a CG-disaster/some exec called his slave animators in North Korea/told them don’t go better, go faster

79. Ollie, like the Gnostic Demiurge, cannot deal with even the idea of other dogs existing and must try to destroy every trace of anything like him… with his urine.

80. “I enjoy the sub-plot about the escaped gimp-mask fellow,” the executive said, “I enjoy running gags.”

81. Ice water is cold for, like, four seconds. If you REALLY wanted to prove you were for a cause, you’d do The Lice Bucket Challenge. You pour lice all over your head, you probably deserve a donation.

82. There should be at least one show where the event booker is not a shyster but rather an overworked mostly-well-meaning person just trying to make rent, beset upon by the con-artists freaks divas and flakes that are comics and musicians. (Myself included.)

83. Life is half the work you put in & half what happens to you. You live in a world of ridiculous privilege & inequality & bad luck & grace but you still gotta show up & do your best either way. Don’t beat yourself up too much. Don’t give up either.

84. If you expose corruption in your own refereeing community, are you a whistleblower whistleblower?

85. Ah Toby Keith. The non-thinking-man’s Garth Brooks.

86. More than anything, though, this weird dog is a mirror into the human condition. He is a very bad dog but all the bad things he does, he genuinely thinks are good things, he just lacks the context to know he’s bad. People are often no different.

87. I’m still disappointed whenever I see the rapper Lil Jon and he isn’t a tiny version of Garfield’s owner.

88. I like to think that someone telling you “I put myself through college reading the best of reddit into youtube videos” will be as unintelligible in the next 30 years as it would have been 30 years ago.

89. What kind of boring unthinking person decided to call it a “flat top” and not “cubic hair”?

90. Bigfoot, Chupacabra and Loch Ness Monster meet Santa. Santa yells “Merry Cryptids!”

91. The dog ripped apart my shoes to chew up my arch support this time. Ollie has a new one in him every day, I’ll give him that.

92. “Billionaire” is not a title for an individual, “billionaire” is an indictment on a society.

93. If we are good to each other and there is a supernatural reward for it, great. If there isn’t, we were still good to each other and… spoilers… that’s the only thing that’s important in the world to begin with.

94. It’s a cuteness arms race now. When will a Zygote Ewok emerge?

95. Are there mountains on the X-Men’s new island home? Between the two can there be an Uncanny Valley?

96. A deodorant ad that parodies Arrivederci Roma with the song “Arrivederci Aroma”. That one’s for free.

97. Why say you’re “bombarding the embassy with loud music to try and get people to leave” when you could just yell “TONAL COMBAT!!!”?

98. The best advertising possible in Canada involves the line “THIS AIN’T NO ROUTINE POUTINE!”

99. A Duran Duran cover band that really stinks called Durian Durian.

100. Selective breeding is just genetic engineering with extra steps.

101. The stars of the Marvel Cinematic Universe at their holiday party are quite the merry Chris mass.

102. If you render it in black on black, the Levis logo actually looks like a cool minimalist version of the Batman logo.

103. JOSEPH CAMPBELLS’ THE SOUP WITH A THOUSAND LABELS

104. Fan fiction shipping is performed with a pairing knife.

105. “Things happen for a reason” sounds like the most depressing suffocating thing imaginable. “Things happen and you make a reason out of it” is still kind of bleak but the kernel of hope is there within it.

106. My poor generation ain’t gonna be scared by THE PREDATOR. You wanna scare us, make the monster THE CREDITOR.

107. Make conceptual futuristic dog-sleds under the stage name Leon Mush.

108. Venture capitalists don’t “lose their virginity” they have an “initial pubic offering”.

109. An update to “A Boy Named Sue” for upper-middle-class white people called “A Boy Named Brannddyn”.

110. I hope superfans of Edvard Munch are called Edvardarks.

111. We’re not saying that putting panties on your face and yelling “HO HO HO, IT’S PANTY CLAUS!” isn’t funny, we’re just saying, don’t do it in public.

112. A Lego version of THE MATRIX where the batteries that run the robot overlords are, like, four Lego heads stuck together.

113. If you’re killed by a spell a bard played out on her lute, was that the instrument of your destruction?

114. The softball team moved Denise from catcher to first-base because catching is really hard on Denise.

115. Your series about a bartender who moonlights as a detective will be called MUDDLER, SHE WROTE. The first episode will be called SCREAMING BLOODY MUDDLER.

116. No, the worst thing you could see on tumblr would be a furry meme with the title “uWu, werewolves of london”.

117. A film about the vicious war between two rival butcher gangs simply titled BEEF.

118. An elite unit of Marines that are convicted condemned serial killers brainwashed into the ultimate soldiers for the chance to not be executed called “The Gein Berets”.

119. Unless you are absolutely certain the person you’re talking to knows that you are cooking dinner, “excuse me, I gotta go drain the pasta” is probably an inelegant phrasing.

120. Abstracted down to two leaves and one berry, Christmas holly looks like little red and green flies.

121. On Soviet Arrakis, Spice is variety of LIFE!

122. A great name for a band would be The Silk Duds.

123. Blue jean back-pockets are actually incredibly minimalist Decepticon logos. Watch out, your pants may turn out to be evil robots.

124. If there is “progressive rock”, I have decided to call the genre Ted Nugent is in “regressive rock” or “rog”.

125. If Natalie Portman and Justin Trudeau ever hooked up, their celebrity portmanteau could be Portmanteau and so, like, it has to happen. Get to it, you crazy kids.

126. You know the fancy dress ball is near its conclusion when the referee calls the two-minuet warning.

127. The official government representative for the ’90s is known as the SURGEIN’ GENERAL.

128. A horror movie about killer yeast, kind of a THE BLOB thing, called NIGHT OF THE LEAVENED BREAD.

129. We are basically one or two news cycles of desperation away from Oreo releasing Pringles cans of their “creme” filling under the name JUST STUF as a publicity stunt. Y’know. Just to “influencers” or whatever.

130. You’ve been wrong all along, you know, calling it Monster Energy Drink. It’s really Energy Drink’s Monster.

131. The ad slogan “ALWAYS COCA-COLA” was so ominous. It was one step away from posters that say “COCA-COLA IS” hung above city streets where the Coca-Cola police drag you away for your black-market Royal Crown.

132. I mean, you use them to eat, so if you wanna call ‘em chompsticks, go right ahead. That’s how language evolves.

133. You rarely heard about his evil twin, Oscar Milde, who was like a really boring dentist.

134. The frozen green beans say “STEAMBAG!” on them and I can’t tell if I have been very mildly insulted.

135. This roll of kitchen-cabinet liner says “THICK GRIP” on it and I think it might be hitting on me.

136. Some day we’re going to have to explain LootCrate to future generations and we’re gonna come up wanting. “Well, we paid double for a bunch of random things we had no choice over… and… they were all branded ads for movies, basically.”

137. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I understood that “quid” meant “one pound”. It sounded like five of something so I just assumed. I just figured you were talking about five pounds, Brits, I’m sorry.

138. Moving the yearly drunken brawling disaster that is The Great American Irish Festival from a field outside Frankfort to the middle of Utica seems… ah… unwise. That’s gonna leave the Brewery District looking Mad Max for a month.

139. Some metal kid tries to summon the devil in a ritual but a tanning bed pops into his room because he screwed up the incantation and he instead hails a tan.

140. The scientists were so devoted to intelligence, even their cylinders had to be graduated.

141. The older Ellen DeGeneres gets, the more she looks like young Iggy Pop. There’s probably some amazing math going on here.

142. It’s like how Yoda described the Force, partly you control it, partly it controls you. So too language & reality. Partly reality creates your language, partly language creates your reality. Like nature & nurture, trying to pick one or the other as “true” is a false dichotomy.

143. If pimples shot glitter, we’d call ‘em starbursts.

144. A song about a dark elf bard called Total Eclipse of the Harp.

145. Finally I realized what Anthony Kiedis’ lame-ass “scat-singing” sounds like. Bugs Bunny being racist toward the Japanese in the 1940s. This had been bugging me for a while.

146. Your drag-king name will be Lord Marmalade.

147. We could make it infinitely harder for a Sandy Hook to ever happen again but too many would rather hang onto their Rambo stockplies for their race-war fantasies than protect kids. And a cabal of Putin-backed death profiteers will happily lobby for them.

148. I wonder if Cary Elwes changes his twitter handle to Cary Elves during the holiday season.

149. Post Malone’s rap name should’a been “Lice-T” instead. “Vanilla Lice” would’ve also worked.

150. If you’re the last person to insult millennials for not pulling themselves up by their bootstraps, are you a late boomer?

151. I wish no ill will on Vanilla Ice, I hope that he lives to a ripe old age surrounded by loving grandchildren or flygirls or whatever he is into. However, whenever he does die, I hope the headline is “R.I.P. Van Winkle”.

152. A pretty good satire of how lightly 80s and 90s junk food took calling something “crazy” would be “Orange Cheese Dustos - I’m Mentally Ill for OCDs!” The mascot would be a really jittery lion, I guess.

153. Step 1: Point a remote control at Kirk Cameron. Step 2: While hitting a button, say loudly and firmly “Kirk CamerOFF.” Step 3: ??? Step 4: Profit!

154. Mommy Blogger < Umami Blogger

155. Have the centerpiece of your wedding be a Bruce Springsteen shaped dessert, just so you can make a “Cake Boss” pun.

156. Whenever someone is talking about the podcast SERIAL, I start talking about how much I love Cap’n Crunch, just to mess with ‘em.

157. Bananas Foster. Australian for Bananas Beer.

158. The creation of a strong sturdy joint in wood is basically just a dowel movement.

159. The meme of the two hands embracing because they agree for different reason. One hand is an “Ink Appreciator”. The other is “On-Set Medic for Fantasy Island”. In the middle “Saying SICK TATTOO, BRO!”

160. That Lord of the Rings meme except with Paul McCartney and “One Does Not Simply… Have A Wonderful Christmas Time”.

161. Having ruined the chocolate twice in a row, the chef threw a temper tantrum.

162. Isn’t your friend who sits in with you for your first LSD experience just your trip advisor?

163. If you think about it, Jambi the Genie was really just Pee-Wee Herman’s Giving Head.

164. Wisconsin chocolates are made with Oshkosh ganache.

165. The major flaw with Needful Things was it presumed evil would be provided through a mom and pop small business. The devil, though, would certainly go corporate and buy your soul, small discount by small discount, in a big ol’ smiling Wal-Mart. Devil don’t buy your soul all at once, hell, you’d notice and you’d say no. The devil gets your soul little comfort by little comfort, little cheat, little cut-corner, little vanity by little vanity. As if on layaway credit.

166. The new trend in fan-fiction is swapping which Don Knotts character was in which Don Knotts film or tee-vee show, such as putting Mr. Furley in THE INCREDIBLE MR. LIMPET. The kids call it “Fife-Swapping”.

167. Someone’s gotta be selling a

Logan &
Jean &
Scott &
Emma.

shirt somewhere. The only question is if Disney’s in the right to sue them to oblivion.

1. The little spaces between the individual rings in a six-pack holder are the beer perineum, can taint or “caint”.

2. Everything you think about your generation, the one before yours or the one after yours is true, has always been true & will always be true about all humans ever. You just think it’s changing because we all live about as long as a mayfly’s fart.

3. The only thing interesting about mainstream comics lately is postulating how they’re gonna manage rolling the “big changes” back to the status quo in 5 years. How are they gonna get the X-Men from an island nation back to a high school in White Plains? How will they undo the Clark Kent reveal?

4. I just hope that when KFC puts out their plant-based “Impossible Chicken” they use the slogan “It’s Finger-Lichen Good!”

5. Make the Leaning Tower of Pisa a church so you can make the world’s first deform church.

6. A Dylan parody about getting attacked by bees called “Shelter From The Swarm”?

7. A song about the hope that Baby Donnie’s Moscow watersports tape comes out during the Impeachment called “A Piss To Build A Dream On”?

8. In a minor Christmas miracle, even though our car still has a smashed up bumper, it has been mechanically repaired enough to use and when the parts come in, after Christmas, we’ll get the Bluebird pretty again too.

9. The greatest name for a band is Punky Scenester.

10. If you put ectoplasm on top of cheese fries, that’s just boo-tine. (And it is slightly less gross than normal poutine.)

11. One upside of the internet age and debit cards is not having to remember what year it is on your checks. Oh, democracy collapsed and all but, hey, no rippin’ up error checks in January!

12. Don’t beat yourself up for the one time you couldn’t help. Find solace in the thousand times you could. Entropy will get the best of us all on a long enough timeline but the good you can do, the good you have done, is the meaning of life.

13. Have your violin repaired by a man named Alexander or a woman named Alexandria so you can call them “Lex Luthier.”

14. If you need to brush up on emulsions, you can always go to the Mayo Clinic.

15. Now the really bad literary mash-up would simply be JANE AUSTIN, TEXAS.

16. For all we know, Bambi’s mother killed that hunter’s parents after a screening of Zorro. Behind every tragedy, a more obscure one. Matryoshka dolls of pain within pain, domino rallies of it. Only long stretches of pain and the will to break that chain.

17. Post-Modern Bride, however, contains informative articles on deconstructed wedding cakes, having the flower girl throw flour, having the priest be a horse, stuff like that.

18. How you know ol’ Heel Spurs doesn’t have any real liquid wealth, just over-valuations of real-estate holdings, is that he didn’t immediately start a magazine called TIM to declare him their man of the year.

19. Ladies, gentlemen, we’ve done it. We’ve brainwashed a man to believe himself a weiner dog. He is totally indachshundated.

20. You know what would be a terrible movie? Honey I Punk’d The Kids.

21. Much as he hated to admit it, the old drill sergeant didn’t know what to do with himself during retirement, he just felt so attention starved.

22. Years later, he regretted not going under Niagara Falls in a boat, regarding it as a real mist opportunity.

23. If people ask you about “That George Michael Christmas song” just start singing “GING-ER-BREAD GING-ER-BREAD” like in the Jitterbug part of “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go”.

24. A fun way to shut up someone on one of those tired “Die Hard is my favourite Christmas movie because I’m just so MANLY!” jags, just blurt out “GREMLINS 2 IS MY FAVOURITE DIE HARD MOVIE!” at them.

25. A movie called LIFE-HACKERS about people who, like, make your eggs stay fresh twice as long by feverishly typing into a super clicky early-90s IBM keyboard.

26. It’s not so much Jar-Jar Binks was the worst new character in the prequels, he was just the one with the most screen time. All the new characters were awful. Had we been saddled with 45 minutes of Boss Nass or 4-Armed Greasy Spoon Chef, they would be the most hated.

27. Go back in time and make Kurt Cobain name his band “The Pores” so that their last album could be called “The Pores, Unplugged”.

28. A little termite who is born lives and dies his entire life in set of bedroom drawers, on his death bed realizing that all is vanity.

29. Being the smartest human being would be a lot like being the best badminton player in the middle of a World War One trench. Like, congratulations for being great at a thing but sadly, I don’t think that this is all that relevant to the way this situation works.

30. At this point it feels like you could be a Weezer cover band and only cover the songs Weezer themselves covered.

31. The Karen Bear “Let Me Speak To Your Manager Bear” would probably have a picture of a short haircut with frosted streaks in it on its tummy.

32. singing the Folgers jingle the part of waking up that’s best/is that I’m not dead yet

33. Your film about fighting zombies on a space station will be called DECAYING ORBIT. Or it could be about the only death metal band ON a space station. Either way.

34. No, the WEIRDEST mash-up of ancient memes and gross new memes would be “uWu, what’s this? Batman-kun noticed by s-senpai Joker?”

35. If you used Indiegogo to start a dance club in Indianapolis called “Indiegogo” do you think they’d sue you or consider it good publicity? Similar with Kickstarter and a book on souping up your motorcycle.

36. In the grocery freeze section, I saw two things next to each other labeled “Mild Beef” and “Hot Beef” and I decided Mild tasted like a diss track and Hot tasted like Biggie and Tupac having each other murdered.

37. President has an affair with a consenting adult. Conservatives: “IMPEACH!” A pretender-president is installed by a foreign enemy power: Conservatives: “Come now, let’s not be hasty, doesn’t the fact that he’s very racist make up for any of his mistakes?”

38. A movie that’s sort of a riff on BAD SANTA and THE SANTA CLAUSE about a frat boy who accidentally murders Saint Nick as part of an initiation prank and has to become BRAD SANTA.

39. A shabby-chic pancake restaurant called The Flaphouse.

40. My life like my driving, get me started and give me a map and I’m pretty damned great. The starting and stopping, the parallel parking and unparking, getting in and out of tight spots, knowing when and when not to rest, I suck at all that.

41. Is there an adorable infant clone of The Emperor in the new Star Wars? Does Kylo Ren have to perform any baby-sithing?

42. A country death-metal band called Randy Travesty.

43. Everyone forgets about Santa’s assistant Goodness Snake but, still, you better be good for Goodness Snake.

44. A movie about trying to go to Wal-Mart in the week before Christmas called Shopocalypse Now.

45. One of the most important things my father taught me was to respect authority that earned it and uses it justly and to disrespect authority that did not earn it and uses it unjustly. To be neutral good.

46. May your Solstice be the mostest.

47. When you call my puns Dad Jokes, you are calling them awesome because my dad was most awesome.

48. I like to pretend that Mick is singing to someone named Timichu. “Please, Timichu, hope you guess my name.” Whatever the name is, it’s probably easier guess than Timichu.

49. Make people pay you to let them take out your garbage by calling it a work-out routine called “Discardio”.

50. In Europe is “Fruit By The Foot” “Mango By The Meter”?

51. Maybe polarized Star Wars in-fighting was the real fandom menace all along.

52. Then there was the forgotten Spock sibling who didn’t explore the stars but rather just worked with synthetic fabrics, Tyvek.

53. A bar that gives a portion of its profits to support vaccination efforts called SHOTS.

54. I don’t know if the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few, I’ll leave that to the moral philosophers, but I’m damned sure that the needs of the many outweigh the wants of the few.

55. I mean, there are a lot of questions to be asked about the intersection of anilingus and dietary allergies.

56. If you’re passing a nativity scene, slow down and start singing “HIIIIIIIGHWAY TO THE MANGER ZONE!” as loudly as you can.

57. I am disturbed by how much that picture that fuses Kayne West and the fake president together into “Donye Wump” actually looks like Axl Rose.

58. “Extra Hard Mode” for any WASD based keyboard video game is “with the cat on your chest, wondering why human gives computer pets and not cat pets”.

59. You know what musical genre would suck? Jockabilly.

60. Maybe the real lo-fi hip hop radio beats to relax/study to were the friends we made along the way.

61. When you’re nearly in love but not quite yet, you are in Feels Goals range.

62. When you start hearing Hallelujah played for the holidays, sing “HALLE BERRY! HALLE BERRY! HALLE BER-RY!” instead.

63. Baby Yoda would be cuter as a baby panda but then we’d have to call it THE PANDALORIAN.

64. The whole “FALL! ON YOUR KNEES!” thing makes O Holy Night a lot more threatening than it should be.

65. I am so checked out that I am only dimly aware of the meaning of the “wine cave” memes. And in two weeks, everyone else will be too.

66. It’s fun to imagine it as Who Let The Dougs Out, though, and a thousand Doug Funnies swarmin’ the town.

67. Wrestling’s less fake than reality TV because at least occasionally the storylines are “worked shoot” exaggerations of actual back-stage drama & the injuries occasionally horribly real. Reality TV’s just blandly attractive people embarrassing themselves for their Warhol 15.

68. Though Charlie Brown clearly had a dog with human talents, we will never know whether Schroder’s cat could or could not play Beethoven. That information died with Schultz, leaving both ideas equally true.

69. When He-Man and the Justice League crossed over, did Skeletor call Superman’s wife “Lois Lame”? Because if he didn’t, they wrote the character wrong.

70. I only like Will Ferrel in certain roles but I think he’d be fun portraying The Fourth Doctor, y’know, Scarfy Who. I think he could knock it outta the park.

71. Handling the awkward situation of having to bounce his own clone from the bar, the bouncer simply muttered “I’ll see myself out” then went to work.

72. How has Richard “Bull Shannon” Moll never endorsed a Molled Wine?

73. Sometimes I want to shake people and explain that, no, Don Quixote wasn’t a passionate idealistic dreamer to look up to, he was a crazy old man who believed the crap in sensationalist books and ruined everything wherever he went by acting on it as real.

74. The reason why Big Bang Theory was so terrible is that it didn’t feel like it liked nerd culture, it felt like it hated it and wanted to reduce it to its grossest stereotypes. Almost self-loathing, like having J. Edgar Hoover write WILL AND GRACE.

75. Spend a whole day only enjoying things unironically. Try it! It’s like going cold-turkey on your self-hatred addiction. It’s wild!

76. Whoever Nancy is, she’s sure concerned about my credit card / car insurance, I tell ya what.

77. Describing Joseph as “cuckolded by The Lord” is crude but it is hardly inaccurate.

78. A mash up of Coldplay’s “Viva La Vida” and Moxy Fruvous “King of Spain” would probably only please me but it would REALLY please me.

79. When you look in your spice rack and it’s just a three year old container of dried oregano, that can trigger seasonal depression.

80. A communist riff on “Back to the Future” called “Stalin For Time”.

81. A candy maker invents the warp drive by making nonpareils and pareils annihilate, creating pure energy.

82. Given the choice between dying on a hill defending some old thing that no longer works or dying lost in the wilds trying to find some distant miracle, I say bugger to both paths. Let’s go save the people on the hills and in the wild instead because people matter more than ideals. A person, one person, any person matters more in their short life than all the ideals of any kind, of all time, laid end to end in their absurdity. Because they’re alive and they feel and in the tragedy and glory of brief sentience, they contain infinity. Just like you. A person doesn’t matter more or less because of their intellect, faith, possessions, gender, ethnicity, bloodline, age or anything. They matter in spite of any of these things. All these things are tarnished gilding on the fragile lily of awareness. You feel therefore you matter.

83. If you’ll only eat green Tic-Tacs, you’re a fundamintalist.

84. If you hit a clown with a nuke, it will disintegrate into a spray of bozons.

85. I kind of wish “The Price Is Right” was called “MEMORIZE AND CONSUME”.

86. A Disney adaptation of Dante’s Inferno called 101 DAMNATIONS.

87. One year, New York City will have had enough of the wanton destruction of Santacon and will unleash the only thing that could possibly stop it… Santapro.

88. I mean, yeah, we all wanna start a Christmas speed metal band called Sleigher but most of us just don’t get to live out our dreams.

89. Maybe the real Nemo was the friends we found along the way.

90. I like to think that someone will make a movie about the life of Pete Buttigieg called LEGALLY BLAND.

91. On every DC universe in the CRISIS ON INFINITE EARTHS, lives a different version of the National Lampoon Grizwalds. The comic books are Christmas Vacation, 1989 Batman was the original vacation. The DC Cinematic Universe is Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie’s Island Adventure.

92. I am usually all for neologisms and linguistic evolution but even I will admit that I preferred when we still called them “repellent shills” and not “influencers”.

93. I really hoped that “Eat Pray Love” was going to be about a really British wolf. “Whacha gonna do tonight?” “Eat prey, luv!”

94. The terrible beautiful truth of it is, there’s no path to follow, no cardinal direction to give yourself over to. You wake up every day with more forest ahead of you and a halfway decent machete. You are forced to find your way. You are free to find your way.

95. Everyone talks about the Fashion Police but you never hear about a rogue Fashion Cop getting taken down by Fashion Internal Affairs.

96. Honestly, the only way I feel old is that I don’t know how many leaps of faith I have left in my legs.

97. If you haven’t learned that the only way to experience new Star Wars material with a baseline of “grim resignation” so that anything approaching competence is a relief, I can see why you’re unhappy.

98. Second rate Christmas bands: Anaheim Steamroller, Transliberian Orchestra.

99. Some offices need a worker to stand outside and claim no one’s there so work can get done. Some places need a deceptionist.

100. A public service announcement, Vaguebooking: just say maybe!

101. Maybe it’s not that the light is dying, maybe you just forgot how to see it.

102. I bet even Steven Tyler gets mad when he hears the Aerosmith cover of “Come Together” on the radio. “Aw man,” he thinks, “I was all hyped up for the real one.”

103. X-ray sight, Perry White, weird red tights, robot fights… must be Super… must be Super… must be Super, Superman…

104. A dark reimagining of THE GRINCH WHO STOLE CHRISTMAS where he actually loved Christmas until his parents were murdered by Santa Claus in an alleyway after a screening of Zorro.

105. “Dental Dam makes it sound so formal,” she said, “I prefer to call it a diving suit.”

106. You try to call Ghostbusters but accidentally called Ghost Buster. The ghost of Buster Keaton appears and your house collapses around him. You are killed by falling rubble. You are now also a ghost.

107. The way they draw a duck tongue in DUCK TALES look makes it look like a single pink vampire fang and now you will never unsee this.

108. I like to think that Dickens had a childhood enemy named Ebenezer and swore to ruin his name forever.

109. I like to think that for robots, those “How It’s Made” documentaries would be the hardest core pornography.

110. You would have to be both into Pizza Time Theatre fan-fic and Mad Men fan-fic to write a story about becoming a “Hamm and Cheese sandwich” but, like, for probably two or three weirdos on Deviantart, that IS the dream.

111. How did the Kroger supermarket chain never have a co-promotion with Nightmare on Elm Street? “THIS IS FREDDY KROGER AND WE’RE SLASHING PRICES!”

112. New for 2020, Viagra laced holiday sweets called Randy Canes.

113. Here’s a mash-up we don’t yet have yet but need: Skeledora the Eternia Explorer.

114. It’s weird how they call those emergency floss squares in beef jerky “desiccant packets”.

115. Yo’ Momma Mary’s so holy, when she makes an assumption, she REALLY makes an Assumption.

116. Someone telling Luke Skywalker to keep his distance “Unhand me!” and then instantly feeling bad because too soon.

117. How long before the TODAY SHOW starts hawking Baby Hoda memes and Funko Pops and what not?

118. I mean, yeah, I was singing “I hate that Family Guy show, no giggity… no giggity…” what of it? It just means I’m awesome.

119. A Nirvana song about the death and burial of the Simpsons called “Bart-Shaped Box”.

120. A suspense novel about a murder in grunge-age Seattle with a reluctant detective called PUT ME OUT OF MY MYSTERY.

121. It’s a really rare case but if you know a really obnoxious acrobat, the best possible insult is to call them a “jerk du soleil”.

122. I want there to be an assistant to Santa who punishes bad children with terrible hip hop called Krunkus.

123. Use 100,000 unsold Glenn Danzig action figures to construct an Isle of Misfits Toys.

124. A book about Hemingway selling his fame for success as a writer called A MOVEABLE FAUST.

125. Really, if you think about it, what was The Many Loves of Dobie Gillis but The Legend of Zelda?

126. Defeating the first stage of a video game? That’s some next level stuff.

127. Frosty the Snowman was just an ice golem.

128. I haven’t seen Solo or Risewalker yet but if the prequels aren’t your bottom three, you’re nuts. All the others function as movies, the prequels are half video game test footage, half bad community theater.

129. If Groot were a herald of Galactus, he could be The Sliver Surfer.

130. A soup food truck is an all tureen vehicle.

131. Screw Die Hard, Raiders is a Christmas movie because at the end The Ark made Marion bright.

132. Life is like a walk through an antique store where everyone is wasting their whole time looking for something to make money off of when there’s so much weird crap you could be enjoying on your short trip.

133. Have a great Space Coaster and a happy Gnu Year!

134. “Grower not a Shower” is so crude. Why not a “Charlie Brown Christmas”? Pathetic at first glance but with a little love and attention, not such a bad little tree at all.

135. A garage staffed by midget mechanics called Small Engine Repair.

136. The phrase Great Value always omits the proper punctuation. Great… “Value”.

137. Ironically, not even ants are fond of fondant.

138. Whatever it says in the sponsor-mandated title, all the minor college football bowls are actually brought to you by Compulsive Gambling.

139. The devotion of EDM fans is truly unconditional wub.

140. If someone’s put on so much cheap cologne that they’re basically half Axe by weight, does that make them a scentaur?

141. I will await the day Chevy pays the Eagles for the rights to do “Silverado” in a truck ad.

142. Some year, Boxing Day will become a tradition of going from house to house, old-school beat-boxing, kind of like wassailing, but sadly it was not yet this year.

143. Your movie about fashion college will involve the line “more like UN-culottes, AM I RIGHT?”

144. How in the hell is Eastern Michigan University running around with its sports teams called “The Eagles”? The Emu. COME ON. THE EMU EMUS. YOU HAD ONE JOB.

145. You are within your legal rights to refer to a cowboy hat as “ranch dressing”.

146. Germ warfare always makes me imagine giant war machines spraying gross water and they’re called Septic Tanks.

147. Really old ladies in plural marriages are just poly Esters.

148. “Have you ever considered writting fan-fiction about a forbidden romance between personifications of DHL and UPS?” she asked. He considered for a moment then answered “I’d ship it.”

149. Only the finest serving plates are hand-forged by Rosie The Triveter.

150. Your cooking-with-cannabis show will be called THE GREAT BRITISH BAKE ON.

151. “Ain’t no rule says that wireless headphones can’t play basketball!” is my favourite line from the movie AIR POD.

152. “My momma said that life is like a dozen roses. Way overpriced and lasts almost no time at all but really beautiful for that briefest of moments.” is my favourite line from FLORIST GUMP.

153. The captain’s interest in exotic woods backfired spectacularly when he noticed an architecturally boat in the distance and yelled “EVERYONE! A BANYAN SHIP!”

154. A souvenir tote from downtown Utica could be a Baggs Square square bag.

155. Technically that photo of Presley and Nixon is Elvis’s Dick pic.

156. If you’re waiting in line to play pool in England, is that a cue queue?

157. Whichever the worst college football bowl is, the Stuckeys Pecan Roll Bowl or whatever, the graduating seniors on the winning team should all be guaranteed contracts in the XFL. That’d be hilarious.

158. An Elseworlds where Harvey Dent is hit with LSD instead of normal acid and becomes Infinityface.

159. When John Travolta buys his wife jewelry, isn’t he just trimming his beard?

160. If bicycles were banned, would cyclists have to go to a spokeeasy?

161. The cannibal flew to Minnesota for a holiday, hoping to indulge his Swede tooth.

162. The weakening of a society’s infrastructure, its very skeleton, because rich people don’t wanna pay their taxes is austerityperosis.

163. If there’s a dance music sub-genre for goth raves and it isn’t called Trancesylvanian, once again, that’s your fault for not letting me name everything.

164. Forget Star Wars, the biggest shame about Lucasfilm being owned by Disney is that we will never get an Indiana Jones where he is battling a Nazi remnant secretly headed up by Walt Disney, INDIANA JONES AND THE GLASS SLIPPERS OF POWER.

165. The speed at which slang cycles through from obscure to cool to only acceptable ironically is accelerating exponentially. “Groovy” was quality slang for like… 10 years. “Straight fire” was ironic before the first tweet using it was even sent.

166. Realizing that LOL means “laughing out loud” and not “living on-line” can cause a text-essentials crisis.

167. If you’re a retired Marine running a bakery and it isn’t called “Semper Pie”, you are doing it wrong.

168. Rod Stewart’s hair is exactly what Big Bird’s grandmother’s hair would look like.

169. I like to think that somehow if they had named the giraffe “Jeffrey” instead, the savings in signage and printing costs would’ve saved Toys R Us from bankruptcy.

170. Why call it “skunk spray” when you could call it “stankulizer”?

171. White people is pronouncing garbage “gar-BAHGE” and white people is calling a garage sale a “garbage sale” but PEAK white people is calling a garage sale a “gar-BAHGE sale”.

172. I have to give it to the guy, Putin having his puppet ruler of Britain for him be literally named “Boris”, that’s a power move. Ol’ Vlad is probably the greatest monster currently breathing air on this Earth but dude has panache.

173. All I’m really sure of is that the worst cologne ever would be called Elon’s Musk.

174. A classic about local rednecks called My Funny Palatine?

175. Sometimes I’m like, if people think Jimmy Fallon is funny, there’s no hope for the human race. Other times, I’m more optimistic and think… if we could just show them actually funny things, they’d see that he isn’t funny. I try my best to be the second guy.

176. We’ve had a topically applied male contraceptive for years. They call it Axe Cologne.

177. You will patent a line of little packets of THC crystals to shake on any food to make them edibles called “Sweet ‘N’ High”.

178. All these years, we’ve been calling those green dots on an old loaf “mold” like chumps when we coulda been calling them “bread sores”.

179. A pop up version of the Spaghetti Factory, The Spaghetti Storage Unit.

180. We’re all just lookin’ for that half Velma half Elvira. We’re all just lookin’ for Velvira.

181. Delilah is the Hallmark Movie Channel of syndicated radio, thank you for coming to my TED talk.

182. I worry for those who want a violent revolt, molotov & guillotine. Revolutions of revenge nearly always end more authoritarian than their predecessors. I don’t want the rich dead, I just want a more equitable society.

183. LESS DRUNK TEXTING, MORE FUNK TEXTING!

184. A classic early rock and roll song about midwifery called “Bebop A Doula”.

185. Star Wars Episode 3 was deeply terrible but 1 & 2 were so earth-shatteringly bad it accidentally looks okay in the context of the other two, like makiing a picture with the two least attractive people you know your facebook profile to make yourself look better.

186. A fine dining simulator called VICTUAL REALITY.

187. A pop-punk song about the blanket that kid carried around in MR. MOM called “Woobie Soho”.

188. Every rap about Conan the Barbarian should start with the line “don’t call it a Cromback, I’ve been here for years”. Every rap about cake making should start with the line “don’t call it a crumb-coat, I’ve been here for years”.

189. A spin on THE LITTLE MERMAID where Ariel leads a rebellion against the polluting land animals instead called A MERMAID’S TALE.

190. If you really think about it, Bilbo was the Frodo-type prototype.

191. If advertisers know their audience, listening to WFAN suggests that the average sports radio listener is a compulsive gambler with an entirely broken penis.

192. Ironically, nearly everything in the world is awesomer than ASMR.

193. If someone delivers you a new spinning top, they’re your disc-cord server.