july 29 in idea barrages

1.) Emo elevators play “The Girl From Weepanema”.

2.) A parody of the Stones “Shattered” about the slow decline from beloved genre actor to bitter alt-right Twitter crank of William Shatner?

3.) In the 60s, they thought we were going to nuke our species into oblivion in one spectacular horror. Turns out, we’re just gonna burn carbon until we all slowly roast or drown. Even our apocalypse is lame.

4.) Mostly, though, if i ever write a story about a brothel in the Albanian suburb of Niskayuna, imma call it “Nisky Business”.

5.) You could sell bloomin’ onions in New Jersey convenience stores and call them “Wawa Petals”.

6.) Google account: “hey, I have a lot of different stuff I can do, what is my purpose?” Me: “You’re my gmail and… you’re my gmail.” Google account: (looks sadly down at its tiny hands)

7.) Your buddy cop movie about the Royal Canadian Mounted Police will have the tagline “If You Can’t Take The Heat, Get Out Of Kitchener”.

8.) You should make your wifi password literally the phrase “on the back of the router”.