july 20 in idea barrages

1.) The next big gold mine is selling inessential oils. Useless oils you buy and display just to prove you have the money to waste on meaningless oils.

2.) I just wrote down “van. syrup” on a note to my boss and, like, in the context of a cafe, that is obviously vanilla simple syrup? But if I were a mechanic, van syrup could mean, like, motor oil.

3.) If mayonnaise laced with low-grade vinegar is your idea of a “miracle” whip, your standards for the miraculous are astonishing low.

4.) Part of me hopes this whole Area 51 meme is a feint, getting all the cops in the southwest in one place and then, bam, everyone’s actually at the ICE concentration camps, freeing the asylum seekers.

5.) The worst part of the live-action ALADDIN will be the “clever” cocktail names at movie theatres with attached bars: djinn and djuice, djinn and tonic, slow djinn fizz.

6.) Work/life balance is actually easy. It’s work/life/sleep balance that’s the bear.

7.) You go into the world every day and look around. Most days, you find nothing and go back home. The rare days you go out and find an officially licensed Garfield vibrator for $2, tho, make all the others worth it. On the backside of the Garfield “personal massager”, the cat is massaging itself with a tiny version of itself. This is like vibrator inception. This is like an MC Escher painting of Garfield pleasing himself.

8.) Victimizing a third-innocent-party because you were victimized is not justice, it isn’t even vengeance. It’s the cycle of violence and while it sucks that on top of being victimized, it is also your responsibility to break the cycle, that’s the only way the cycle breaks.