overstuffed barrage in idea barrages

1.) Hairdressing machines all look like telepathy amplifiers to me.

2.) It's a free-to-play mobile game about Lara Croft's pregnancy called WOMB TATER.

3.) It's not just a matter of knowing the rules so you know how to break them. Know the rules so well you can make them devour themselves.

4.) It turns out that Lucy was actually a fine woodworker on the side, that's why Ricky always told her she had some planing to do.

5.) How many screenwriters does it take to screw in a light bulb? 1 but we havta do it in a crowded Starbucks so everyone knows we're doing it.

6.) You know what's more terrifying than a dog with perfect human teeth? A panda with perfect human teeth telling you "We All Float Down Here".

7.) The bad news is that the Arizona GOP still gleefully discriminates against those "choosing to live the Hispanic lifestyle".

8.) Someday the British insistence that "pissed" means "drunk" instead of "angry" will accidentally start a war.

9.) Million-dollar idea #347: a lingerie store called Breast Buy.

10.) Whenever someone is playfully nibbling an ear in a romance scene, yell "AHH! EAR ZOMBIES!" and run screaming out of the theatre.

11.) Million dollar idea #348: It's like a Hooters but with twink dudes and sandwiches. Called GRINDRS.

12.) People should just hire me to stand around by their comicon tables looking handsome as Booth Beef.

13.) I like to pretend that Big Girls Don't Cry is about the 50 Foot Woman & they're more telling her not to cry so that the city doesn't flood.

14.) A Latin Mass where the priest occasionally intones "Aye Macarena" solemnly and the crowd responds "Aright" in unison.

15.) If I knew anything other than the chorus to "Teenager In Love" a parody about being all covered in blood would essentially write itself.

16.) If you really think about it, Doctor Frankenstein was the world's first bodybuilder.

17.) Oh man. A parody of Hall and Oats "Your Kiss Is On My List" could go about a million different ways, huh?

18.) I feel like a smashed fire hydrant of ideas. Either come and dance in the puddles of my undirected energy or call a repair team.

19.) CONFESSION: I could not tell you which was Taylor Swift or Carrie Underwood. Or of Kayne West or Jay-Z. It all just blurs to me.

20.) I want clips of TOY STORY with sound clips from Bosom Buddies and Home Improvement edited in on my desk by 9AM Friday.

21.) Someday we'll have a service that teleports drugs to you & we'll all realize we wasted "Instagram" on a picture-hosting website.

22.) People faking synesthesia make me so mad I see mint.

23.) And we lurch toward a future where androids enslave human processing power underground to mine their Botcoin.

24.) A better title for "Baby Geniuses" would've been "Creepy Crawlers", yeah?

25.) Different departments of universities should all have their own mascots so that the Humanities can have Hugh Manatee.

26.) "Mony Mony" about bronies almost seems like too much of a fish in a barrel. It's like shooting a nuke at a whale in a thimble.