may3 in idea barrages

1.) Apparently the new big thing for kids is dressing as horrifying owl-demons. Cool, cool. We’re basically going to need to be horrifying owl-demons to weather the future laid out before us, it’s good to ease them into it through play.

2.) I definitely think that my Shakespearean adaption of MANOS THE HANDS OF FATE predicated on Torgo being Puck’s loser cousin would be called MANOS THE MID-SUMMER’S NIGHTMARE.

3.) I admit I watched the Avengers movie wondering if Pepper Potts believes the same New Age hogwash Paltrow does. Between scenes, trying to sell Captain Marvel & Okoye on jade-egg vaginal steaming, the heroines just rolling their eyes.

4.) Do people listen to Coltrane on Beltaine? They should do that, if only for the wordplay.

5.) I want life to be like that scene in the movies where two people fight and they’re so impressed by each others’ fighting prowess that by the end, they consider each other best friends, except with insults instead of fists.

6.) The first round of the NBA and NHL playoffs are like the appendix: they probably had a purpose once but now they’re just there to cause you pain and make someone else easy money.

7.) When you complain “wait, time travel can’t work like that” step back and remember time travel doesn’t exist. You’re confusing the plot device for the story. If the story worked, let it work, don’t get tripped up on a plot device absurd on its face any way you slice.

8.) Of course she had a crush on Magnum Pi, he’s 3.14 times your average man.

9.) The aging Green Arrow in “The Dark Knight Returns” should’ve been called “Old Man Quiver” but as always, no one asked me.

10.) I want some well-intentioned teacher to try and make Shakespeare cool to the postennials with a game called Twelfnite. “It’s three times as cool as Fortnite!”

11.) If you’re a notary public and your business card doesn’t say “Licensed to Will” what are you even doing with your life?

12.) If you think about it, what is a barista but a groundskeeper?

13.) It must be weird when you use the internet neologism “fam” in Boston and everyone thinks you’re talking about planting and harvesting crops instead of your loose circle of friends and well-wishers.

14.) If you’re supportive of people throwing away their coins, you’re a well-wisher well-wisher.

15.) If you honestly can’t tell if that’s a rug or not, his head is amwiguous.

16.) The rise of television was a real serials killer.

17.) Really, what are contractions but push-notifications from the fetus?