mar6 in idea barrages

1.) Your mash-up of ALL STAR and LOSE YOURSELF will involve the line “Somebody once told me, don’t puke mom’s macaroni”.

2.) No one will take your claims of having synthesized a new element seriously, as long as you call yourselves the Society for Heavy Ion Tracking. It’s kind of a crap name.

3.) Your reboot of NIGHT OF THE LEPUS will involve time travel and be called QUANTUM LEPUS. It will be terrible.

4.) I propose we create a word for the guilt you feel when a celebrity that didn’t impact you culturally but seems like a nice person passes away and so have nothing to say. Something German-ish like “facebookenschulden”

5.) Your relationship advice book about superhero romance BATMEN ARE FROM MARSA, CATWOMEN ARE FROM EARTHA will sell terribly but will earn you a place at my right hand when I rule over Pun Heaven.

6.) If you have to re-do your cosmetics, is that make up make-up?

7.) A parody of that old viral TOO MANY COOKS video with all of Trump’s criminal associates, an endless parade of them, swapped into the video instead as TOO MANY CROOKS would be an easy joke but easy isn’t necessarily bad.

8.) Don’t try and put one over on an ancient music expert, they can always tell a lyre.

9.) May you long outlive your dreams and be long survived by your legacy.

10.) I just wanna digitally replace Charles Bronson with Darth Vader for an entire film and call it DARTH WISH.

11.) You will clone Fyvush Finkel twice and market them as a tag-team wrestling duo called “Tenush Finkel”.

12.) An album of Arcade Fire and Panic At The Disco covering each other called “Disaster At Nostalgia Place”.

13.) Happiness is a sense of purpose and a partner who loves you but, until then, “the weirdest old VHS tapes you can possibly find” is a good fall-back position.

14.) There is still time for Dame Judith Dench and Erik Estrada to star in something called “Ponch and Judy”. There is still time.

15.) Love isn’t for saving them, love isn’t for having someone save you. Save yourself and then find someone worth having adventures with.

16.) Beyond the obvious “conventionally attractive in the most bland boring way possible”, the other two main qualifiers for THE BACHELOR seem to be “no germ phobia” and “able to cry on command”.

17.) Today in History: 10 years ago today, it was publicly announced ska was a prank played on white people, just to see how ridiculous something could be before we didn’t culturally appropriate it. “We really thought you’d call us on it” a spokesman said.

18.) In pirate slang, the opposite of “timbers” were “elmos”, hence the phrase “well, tickle me elmos!”

19.) The healthy lesson I left L.A. with, to temper my good times with modesty so as to not slip into toxic narcissism, slowly metastasized into tearing myself down whenever I felt even a little bit confident. It is time to let go of that.

20.) The new Sonic the Hedgehog movie… thing… looks like an elderly muppet that was exposed to the ooze from Ninja Turtles.

21.) Maybe it’s not that we’re “offended by everything”, maybe it’s just that things have been systematically messed up for so long that you think that it’s normal but, like, by rights we should actually be twice more freaked out than we are.

22.) Calling Kylie Jenner a “self-made billionaire” is like calling Trump a “successful real estate developer”. No. Sorry, no. When you’re building off your family’s fame & wealth, you didn’t hit a triple, you were born on third.