feb20 in idea barrages

1.) The Boy Scouts “Needlepoint” badge is super hard to get because it’s sew in tents.

2.) A single ship of Men’s Rights Activists led by the dread pirate Neckbeard. They’re not very tough but reports are folks get distracted laughing at them then their stuff gets stolen. If you see a group of boys in eyepatches & fedoras whining, watch out!

3.) 99% of all social media typos are caused by jealous cats hitting the keyboard because they’re jealous the computer or cell phone is getting the pets instead.

4.) My friend RJ accidentally typed “Neckbeard” as “Nickelbeard” and I realized, that’s probably a profitable idea for a band. If rap-metal clowns turned into a cult cash-cow, might as well try rap-metal pirates. There’s money there.

5.) Why call it “mutual masturbation” when you could call it “tug-team wrestling”?

6.) How would Atlanteans use a bathroom? Dig a hole in the ocean floor and hope for the best?

7.) Maybe Pac-Man is a game about the afterlife for Muppets and Pac-Man is Fozzie Bear’s vengeful spirit, punishing the others for not laughing at him and that’s why he goes “Wakka-Wakka”.

8.) Maybe Scooby-Doo’s name is actually Ruby-Roo and is secretly seething at the world for assuming he can’t pronounce his own name but is too addicted to those drug biscuits to risk lashing out.

9.) Having diarrhea while in a zero-gravity setting sounds almost impossibly bad but there have been enough astronauts now where it must have happened once or twice at this point.

10.) Through the magic of words, we can be rendered fat by rendered fat.

11.) One of the most disappointing things about the English language is that “warthog” is pronounced “wart-hog” and not “war-thog”.

12.) “These noodles are too wet!” he complained to the waiter as he filed a re-straining order with the chef.

13.) When you try to preserve your memory of a moment by ignoring the moment to record it with your celly, I see you squeezing a handful of sand harder and hard, trying to keep it yours, until every last grain is gone.

14.) Pain shouldn’t be the feeling of weakness leaving your body, it should be the feeling of empathy entering your mind. “This is awful, I shouldn’t feel this, no one else should either.” Being tough is rubbish, making it less tough for others is the only way.

15.) Driving home, past winter landscapes and the little bursts of light that we call towns, I can’t help but think “how beautiful this all is and what a shame people ignore that to fight over owning stuff”.