janu26 in idea barrages

1.) I’m not “Dual-Wielding”, baby, I’m “Ambidangerous”.

2.) “A broken urinal,” he scoffed, “I won’t stand for this!”

3.) The muppets go to Sweden and find the chef can’t translate and upon research discover he isn’t Swedish at all, just a guy from St. Paul, with damage to his brain’s language centre.

4.) You can’t spell Adirondack without N A D I R.

5.) The realization that if he wasn’t good at football, Tom Brady would be another chad at a Trump rally getting laid out in one punch by a 19-yr-old Antifa medic named Beth, this is hard on Boston fans who like that he’s good at football but it’s the truth.

6.) I’ve never had to sign into a hotel under an assumed name before but, I’m just saying, “Guy Sexhaver” would be a great hotel sign-in name. Give the staff a laugh!

7.) In the middle of all the madness, cheer yourself up by imagining everything said by former Trump lawyer Michael Cohen as if sung by the Canadian bard Leonard Cohen. It helps, a little.

8.) If you’re one of those dudes whose thing is being called “Papi” but you’re dating a woman named Poppy, that’s gotta be really confusing for both of you.