janu24 in idea barrages

1.) An upscale version of “My Drunk Kitchen” called “Soused-Vide”.

2.) The low-key worst part of Hall of Fame balloting is that even obvious non-choices get to be on it their first year. Like some writer can be like “Mookie Wilson bought me a steak once, I’ll toss him a vote”. The whole process, tail-to-snout, is absurd.

3.) Kareem Abdul Jabbar is so cool that he pretended to convert to Islam as an excuse to name himself after Jabba The Hutt, a decade before Jabba The Hutt made his screen debut.

4.) With proper hand tattooing, you can pretend you’re not pleasuring yourself but rather getting to third base with a spooky monster.

5.) There are not enough horror movies about Alexa or Siri. About your browser interface stalking you, about two competing browser interfaces getting into a jealous war over your heart.

6.) A rich person dying while being dragged up a famous mountain by slave-wage sherpas so he could say he got to the top of the (now heavily polluted) mountain like literally thousands of other bored rich people is the most 2019 of deaths.

7.) If you opened a business that was a hair salon in the front and nightclub in the back, you’d have to call it “Mullet”, right? But pronounce it “Moo-LAY” to be all fancy.

8.) Whenever the news gets you down but there’s nothing you can do about it in the short term, stop, take a breath & remember that Police Academy 6 was literally directed by a man named Peter Bonerz & that the world can still be beautiful.

9.) A watch ad with the tagline “Because there’s no present… like the time.”

10.) The person who gives a damn about someone being “owned” or not is the most owned of all, similar to the smelt-delt law.

11.) I hate when I think the drums to ELO’s “Don’t Bring Me Down” are kicking in on the radio but then it’s ZZ Top’s “Gimme All Your Lovin” comes on instead.

12.) Discover a new mountain on Mars and name it after Eminem, name it “Mons Spaghetti”.