janu17 in idea barrages

1.) Leave it to the History Channel to pretend that African folk couldn’t figure out how to build the monuments and instead find the one crazy white guy white and crazy enough to blame it all on an alien pyramid scheme.

2.) Remember, Brexit was as ginned up by the Kremlin to destabilize Europe as Trump was to destabilize North America. It’s cheaper to flood conspiracy theories to racists and launder campaign contributions through the NRA than it is to build nukes.

3.) Thanos tried to dust half the cat people from Schrodinger-7 but instead they’re just all blinking in and out of existence every twelve hours. They’ve gotten used to it.

4.) Chuck Norrissey is so depressed, he can punch out the sun when it annoys him.

5.) The Snowmobile Crossing signs on 5S between Little Falls and Ft. Plain look less like snowmobile warnings and more like “Pac-Man Waterskiing” warnings.

6.) It’s funny how male politicians are Open To Compromise and women are Opportunistic Flip-Floppers, huh? It’s astonishing how quickly the fringe-left parrots the Putin fifth-column inserted into the movement by Russia Today and Wikileaks.

7.) I still can’t believe Bigelow Tea hasn’t done an ad with a parody of “Just A Gigalo” in it. God knows David Lee Roth needs the work.

8.) Chuck Norrissey’s t-shirts are so black, any light bulb within a hundred feet is sucked into its event horizon and is destroyed.

9.) Book IKEA four months ahead to hold your child’s Swede Sixteen party.

10.) Frankenstein’s Creation was the original life hack.

11.) The first time Chuck Norrissey was sad, he cried for fifteen days straight and where he cried is still around today, its now called The Red Sea.

12.) Chuck Norrissey is so vegan, he lives off starlight.

13.) “Does it say Dredd on my nametag? No? Because I ain’t here to judge.” would be a fun catchphrase.

14.) There’s one Latverian peasant whose whole job is cleaning the snot out of the nose-holes of Doctor Doom’s masks. And if they don’t do it JUST right, they’re vaporized. And it’s still a better job than working in a customer service cubicle farm.

15.) The wiccan went out to the corn field to commune with nature. The field responded “I’m all ears!” and the next day, she started attending a Lutheran church.

16.) The year is 2049. Much of the world is underwater. What’s left of the film industry is locked in bitter struggle over how the Spider-Man & Ghostbuster reboots both booked Memorial Day & the next Spider-Man & Ghostbuster reboots both booked Labor Day.

17.) Yes, there are jobs that grant you less human dignity than working in a customer service cubicle farm, sure, but at least all those jobs are illegal. At least the owner will get arrested for running a job with less human dignity if caught by the police.

18.) In a fairer better universe, bottles of Viagra would carry a label that said “Hard Pills, To Swallow” on them.

19.) A year after Trump runs away to his exile in a Moscow luxury penthouse, Wall Street will be displeased at the former Vice President’s economic policy and be all like “Sick, Pence. None the richer.”

20.) When Lt. Barclay had sex with a holographic copy of the ship’s counselor, was that a mirage-a-Troi?

21.) I call my underwear Sears because no one goes in there anymore and the people outside agree with it that it’s a sad turn of events but the sympathy does not extend into people trying to get in there again.

22.) Some people disliked Fury Road out of sexism but others disliked it out of mere misplaced nostalgia and they just can’t get beyond Thunderdome.

23.) Everyone makes fun of injured Knicks star Kristap Porzingis for his name but no one points out that he looks like the snooty European coach of the rich kids’ soccer club from across town in MIGHTY DUCKS 7: SOCCER DUCKS.

24.) Every time the phrase “free movement” comes up in Brexit debates, I want to say “have you just tried Ex-Lax?” because I am a bad person and I should feel bad.

25.) When you’ve walked the streets long enough thinking about math, at some point you’re going to be walking on the median and at other points, just on the mean streets, any average day.

26.) Your sous-vide looks like a Tupperware container with a stick-shift.

27.) I mean, yeah, I was just singing a Rolling Stones song about Honky Tonk Wolfmen, what of it?