janu16 in idea barrages

1.) After every Jurassic Park movie, there’s a spike in baby dinosaur adoptions because they’re just so cute and within a year, most of them get abandoned in the forest. When you drop a dinosaur, you have to let your kids know, this is its raptorever home.

2.) Blood sausage is all about going from Vlad to wurst.

3.) I hope Joe Biden’s 2020 Campaign Slogan is “Biden, His Time”.

4.) The generationally wealthy are the dumbest people in the world because there is no penalty on them for being ignorant. Their actions bear no consequences on them so knowing how anything works has no marginal value to them.

5.) Is there ghost pepper chap-stick called Atomic Balm yet?

6.) Anti-intellectualism is really just think-shaming.

7.) So what you’re saying is that this “Tidying Up” show is about learning to limit the possessions in your apartment to some kind of Kondo-minimum?

8.) I like to think that when centaurs have track and field events, they whip themselves in the butt to go faster.

9.) There should be at least one picture on the internet of Hugo Weaving actually weaving.

10.) For next winter Olympics, make gazpacho with added carrots and sell it as “mirepoix on ice”.

11.) You need to understand it as Trump using the opportunity to say “a bunch of young black men? I feed them garbage” and just hiding it behind the veneer of pretending to not understand how to do a publicity stunt. Publicity stunts are the ONLY thing he’s good at.

12.) “I was in high school when Weezer put out their last good album” is the new “five miles to school uphill in a blizzard”.

13.) There should be a big parade on Valentine’s called the Inti-Macy’s Day Parade. Lotsa big balloons that look like butts and whatnot.

14.) Stupidity can find knowledge. Cruelty can find a change of heart. Willful ignorance protects itself from ever changing by its very nature, an ouroboros of failure feeding back into itself.

15.) In Shirley Jackson’s THE SCRATCH TICKET thousands of people are chosen to stub their toes.

16.) Of course, love does not conquer all. Love knows better than that, love is better than that. Love knows that conquering is the fantasy of children and the reality of monsters. Love gives without asking back. Love shares without qualification. Love obliterates conquest.

17.) Why do they call early trailers “teasers” when you could call them “attractor trailers”? Jesus, you guys miss all the obvious tricks.

18.) It’s like a sharknado of teeth and it’s called The Molar Vortex.