d23 in idea barrages

1.) Snow, at least, you can wipe off your shoulders if it’s light enough. Thirty-six degree rain, though, it just soaks. It just soaks through straight to the bone.

2.) Whenever uses the term “AF” as an internet neologism, always pretend to not know what they’re talking about. Pretending it means “air force” is good but “Afghanistan” is the power move.

3.) Your persona for covering Bruce Springsteen songs in a brooding goth style will be Bruce Autumnsteen.

4.) Teenage giants refer to masturbation as “jackin’ the beanstalk”.

5.) uptown funk/you been livin’ like a backwoods monk/never seen a hoppin’ Saturday spot/don’t even have to join, at first just watch

6.) The man admitted to being aroused by war documentaries but preferred simply being referred to as “battle-hardened”.

7.) Remember, Don Quixote was basically a fan-boy shipper of chivalric fiction who got so into it he lost his damn mind. He wasn’t a dreamer with an impossible dream, he was a Tumblr burnout making a messy self-insert of his own fevered life.

8.) Santa Claus could never be on Star Trek what with the red shirt, he’d be dead by the away mission in Act Two.

9.) I have never experienced it myself but this “runner’s high” sounds habit-forming and addictive and so I believe it should be banned for everyone’s safety or, at least, heavily restricted and taxed.

10.) There should be, like, sensitive guy brag t-shirts like “That’s not a GUT that’s my power supply for LISTENING PATIENTLY TO YOUR PROBLEMS.” “FEDERAL YOUR-INTERESTS INSPECTOR.”

11.) Guys. Guys. Look, guys, I think Garfield may be depressed. I think the little dude needs help.

12.) A sequel to Cujo called 101 Damnations.

13.) 2018 in a single phrase: “The peasants have no bread, then let them eat exotic flavours of Oreo!”

14.) “YOU CAN KILL WITH A CAR SAME AS YOU CAN A GUN!” “You mean that car that’s rigorously registered, you have to have inspected every year & insured & you have to be licensed in the safe use in a well-regulated fashion?” “LA LA LA! I CAN’T HEAR YOU!”

15.) Remember: when you voted for Jill Stein or Mickey Mouse in ‘16, you were saying as long as you got to feel ideologically pure, this horror show we knew was coming was fine. Democracy’s about the best we can do, not taking our ball & going home. Or, anyway, it was.

16.) Today’s song for the dog: the old pop hit “Who’s Johnny” as “Where’s Ollie”.

17.) I can’t prove that there is more sugar in a cup of lemonade than in an actual cup of sugar, it sounds like it’s actually impossible but, still, it feels correct emotionally.

18.) If I ever met Jason Mraz, I would probably see how many times I would pronounce it “Jason Meringue” until he called me on it.

19.) Your stock market investments are tanking but my losing lottery tickets are worth exactly what they were worth yesterday. Think about it.