no29 in idea barrages

1.) For all I know, if there’s a bot running around copying me, maybe it’s better at being me than I am. Maybe I’d have to friend him and take notes.

2.) I don’t know if the dish “puttanesca” was actually created to lure people into brothels or not but it gives us the marvelous pun “pastatute” so let’s just pretend that it’s real.

3.) A slap chop but it’s in a ball form instead of a cylinder and you call it a “Dicin’ Sphere”.

4.) Your Gary Burghoff look alike contest will have to be called The Great Burgh-Off.

5.) WEBINAR would be a great name for a spider-themed He-Man or She-Ra character, maybe like WEBSTOR’s younger sister who catfishes Orko for passwords and then hacks Eternia’s homepage.

6.) Post Malone looks like Austin ate Echo Park then threw it up all over Williamsburg.

7.) When Mickey uses the wizard’s hat to make the broom animated, I like to refer to it as a “Broomba”.

8.) On his deathbed at 93 years old, surrounded by loved ones and well-wishers, Dan Aykroyd will still be pitching unnecessary sequels to movies he’s been in. His last words will be “We come out of cryo-freeze to teach the future about music. Blues Brothers 3000…”

9.) Your movie about a ragtag band of fringe scientists battling the ghosts of people killed in Black Friday sale stampedes who have returned for revenge will be called DOORBUSTERS. Oh God, it’s going to be terrible.

10.) They really missed a trick when they called them “jetskis” instead of “boatercycles”.

11.) Mark Zuckerberg looks like if Gollum had gone through 12 Step in Oneringaholics Anonymous and was, like, 83% recovered but… still, every day is a struggle to not relapse in need for his precious.

12.) The last depressing but obvious celebrity sell-out we haven’t gotten to yet is, of course, LL Cool Bean.

13.) I like to believe that if James Doohan and Jerry Garcia had ever met, they would’ve been fans of the other’s work and their greeting would’ve been to share a hearty High Four.

14.) Sometimes I will pretend I am on the House Un-Human Activities Committee and will grill Ollie “ARE YOU OR HAVE YOU EVER BEEN A DOG?” and he can’t talk, of course, but I can tell from his look he’s thinking “Sir, have you no decency? I am on record as a tiny fuzzy human.”

15.) Saying you’re hungover and suffering the beercraps is so undignified. Tell everyone you’re suffering from fecal alcohol syndrome.

16.) Your sexy-version-of-Julia-Child drag persona will be called “Femme Brulee”.

17.) Your Mexican-Jewish fusion restaurant will be famous for its challahpeno poppers.

18.) The first step to a really good Smurf stew is to put diced Smurf and chopped white onion into a pan with a little bit of olive oil and then just sweat the small stuff.

19.) The key to making pasta is that as you do it you gotta sing to the tune of Mama Mia “SEM-O-LINA! HERE WE GO AGAIN! MY MY!”

20.) A British-themed wrestling tag team named “Angers And Smash”.

21.) An album of upbeat pop covers of Nine Inch Nails songs called “Pretty Hat Machine”.

22.) An episode of Doctor Who where The Doctor frees a group of oppressed misunderstood werewolves from space-prison called “Who Let The Dogs Out”.