no16 in idea barrages

1.) Morning talk radio was never very good but now it’s invariably just two jack-offs and one jill-off laughing at themselves as they summarize the “wacky” stories on social media three days previous. Just play some songs for God’s sake.

2.) To be most precise, patriotism is only the second-to-last refuge of the scoundrel. The true last refuge of the scoundrel is televangelism.

3.) I will never understand the appeal of FRIENDS as a sitcom. It was rarely funny and when it was, the jokes were stolen. I guess people watched it as a vicarious thing, wishing they could be obscenely rich pretty people who hung out with the same?

4.) The final death bed words of Bill Hydrox were a curse upon Steve Oreo for stealing his idea.

5.) The moment recreational pot is legalized, someone is going to go to Spike Lee to try and license “Spike Lee Joints”.

6.) Reported sightings of Tupac Shakur can be explained by the presence of his clone, Threpac, which was lab-grown in response to the long-rumoured Notorious B.I.G.G.E.R. experiments.

7.) The key is to advertise your giant boat as “Theoretically Sinkable But There’s A Very Low Possibility Of Sinking” to beat any kind of hubris jinx.

8.) There will be nothing in Tim Burton’s live action Dumbo remake sadder than the fact that Tim Burton’s live action Dumbo remake exists.

9.) ENTOURAGE was just SEX IN THE CITY for dudebros.

10.) One of the founding members of the Millenial Legion of Superheroes was, of course, Yass Queen.

11.) Current song I sing to Ollie: Pink Floyd’s Money except instead of the word “Mon-ey” it’s “DOGG-IE”.

12.) Cosmopolitan living, seeing the whole country as something other than a tourist is the vaccine against like 83% of the willful ignorance the American conservative movement is based around. Travel melts it like candy floss in a rainstorm.

13.) Evening events cancelled at noon without a cloud in the sky because in seven or eight hours, an icestorm from hell is coming. #northeastproblems

14.) No, the person “born and raised in South Detroit” in “Don’t Stop Believin” wasn’t actually from Windsor, Ontario. There are still northern and southern parts of Detroit. There is a LOT more wrong with that song to worry about, guys.

15.) If you stare at a croc shoe long enough, it starts to look like a paramecium.

16.) The secret to great green bean casserole is to nix the mushrooms. The fungal meatiness overwhelms the vegetal freshness, the creaminess and the onion crunch. Use cream of celery soup instead and don’t overcomplicate it with extra shrooms either.

17.) Maybe Michael Jackson was just asking her if she was famed markswoman Annie Oakley? “ANNIE ARE YOU OAKLEY, ANNIE ARE YOU OAKLEY, ARE YOU OAKLEY, ANNIE?”

18.) Oh poor sweet deluded Keurig machine. You think I am going to descale you, you think I am going to change your filter. The pope ain’t coming for coffee and I don’t buy the insurance plan on twenty-dollar appliances either. This is not the rube you’re looking for.

19.) It is time to punish the racists and sexists who bitch about Star Wars online with a “Star Wars Holiday Special” float in the Macys Parade. Disney, search your feelings, you know that it’s true.

20.) The most depressing distant-sequel ever would be FORTY-EIGHT CANDLES and I want to see the HELL out of it.

21.) Okay, a distant-sequel to THE BREAKFAST CLUB called THE EARLY-BIRD DINNER SPECIAL CLUB about all the characters in bitter retirement would be pretty boss too.

22.) If Julie Assange doesn’t go to jail for his multiple sexual assaults but at least goes to jail for being the espionage launderer for Vlad Putin, I’ll consider that at least a partial justice.

23.) “I was especially good at saying weird stuff on Twitter today” the man told himself, slowly realizing how little that means in the world.