au28 in idea barrages

1.) Your seafood restaurant that objectifies the male servers will be called CODPIECES.

2.) In all things, I have always valued being interesting over being perfect, in food, in potential lovers, in art, in everything. In everything except for in myself.

3.) The last three books I’ve read were essay collections by Sedaris, Klosterman and Hodgman and somehow I still am repulsed by Pabst Blue Ribbon. Clearly, I am some sort of medical miracle.

4.) Corrupt people don’t judge their underlings for being corrupt, in fact, they demand it. That’s how GOP congressional candidates continue to get contributions despite the reckless avarice that has been exposed in them.

5.) If you ever get the chance to punch Bon Jovi through a window or saloon door, the correct wisecrack is “BON VOYAGE!” (This also works for Bon Iver.)

6.) Pretend you think “My Best Friend’s Girl” is about finding out your buddy’s partner used to be a mime.

7.) I’ll see a make up break up couple get back together, not because they’re good for each other, just because the dating pool’s so shallow & I wanna say to the woman “hey, maybe I’d be bad for you in a new & interesting way.”

8.) No one outside LA will understand why your band is called “The Marine Layer”.

9.) So many places for this dog to pee, he’s like a Trump in a new whorehouse.

10.) Everyone at the Vintage Market looks like a minor character in Arrested Development trying to look like a minor character from Portlandia.

11.) Afternoon talk shows don’t have “Season Premieres”, they just “keep going”, Ellen, who are you trying to kid?

12.) A man who fell in to a coma in 1991 wakes up and is filled in on what has passed while he slept. He is very disappointed to find out that a “selfie stick” is not, like, a sex thing.

13.) It’s “Teach Your Son/Daughter That Your Job Does Not Define You Day”. Go for a ride with your child today, drive past your place of employ and swear loudly at it. They get your time but they do not get your soul nor your delusional loyalty while off the clock.

14.) “So Hold On, Lucy, And Don’t Let Go” is the seed for a classic rock parody about Charlie Brown kicking a football, is all I’m saying.

15.) Growth as a human is the process of moving on from short-sighted selfishness to realizing that the good of all is your long term good so don’t be so damned selfish. This is often the problem of the right but the left is not immune to it either. Transcend into the long term good.

16.) Another mass shooting, another day when the NRA just shrugs, smiles and says “The Blood Must Flow”. If you want to shoot a musket, you have the right to join the National Guard to do so. That’s all the damn thing says. Everything else was added by death-merchants after the fact.

17.) We’ve confirmed that this digital side channel’s name is a lie because it is called LAFF but it is showing “Home Improvement”.

18.) No one should be named Darcy unless they’re in a Jane Austin novel or The Smashing Pumpkins.

19.) If there’s ever “fantasy rugby teams” your team will be called The Scrumbags.

20.) Your book about stalking Billy Corgan because he bit off your leg will start with the line “Call me Gishmael”.