au22 in idea barrages

1.) That moment when you realize “Oh, I probably had blinding headaches yesterday because I forgot to take my blood sugar and blood pressure meds”. Getting old beats the alternative but… there are drawbacks.

2.) Your terrible nu-metal rock opera about The Princess Bride will be called “Six-Finger Death Punch”.

3.) If your Sunday preacher is a liquid metal Terminator, you’re going to a constantly-reformed church.

4.) My beefsteak brings all the red to the sauce and damn right, it’s better than yours, damn right it’s better than yours, it’s an heirloom and the best by far.

5.) Name your cover band The Original Artists.

6.) You have to be of a certain age to understand why checking into a hotel under the fake Italian name “Tom Agachi” is hilarious.

7.) If you’re shortwave-DXing and you come upon a channel playing the DX theme from the WWF, do you fall into a recursion loop and end up on the Planet Of The Apes or what?

8.) Constantly refer to the end table as your “side piece”.

9.) The crazy men with placards were only two letters off: the trend is nigh.

10.) An artisinal butter spray called “Gastroglide”.

11.) If you use the phrase “beta male” unironically, you should be automatically be e-mailed a free voucher for chemical castration.

12.) They should call Walmart wine “Wrose” and get a cult going around it like Trader Joes’ cheap “Two-Buck Chuck” wines. It’s a good thing Walmart hasn’t hired me for marketing, they’d own even more of the world if they used my powers for evil.

13.) I’ve gotten about as far with body positivity as… being fairly positive that I have a body… but I’m working on it!

14.) My wrestling persona will be called The Ultimate Worrier. No face-paint, though, for fear of being allergic.

15.) A thirty-one syllable poem about little toy trucks would be a tanka about Tonka, thank you very much.