jl20 in idea barrages

1.) I think adultswim should record a loop of John C Reilly singing mangled versions of Christmas songs interspersed with rambling digressions, animate his Doctor Steve character on fire, slowing burning away, and put it on Christmas Eve as “The Brule Log”.

2.) Whatever conspiracy theory makes everyone on all sides sound like idiots is probably the one closest to the truth. There are conspiratories in the world, for sure, but there’s so many and so many of them are operated by vainglorious idiots that they mostly cancel each other out.

3.) If you drink enough Pabst ironically, you will start farting out the tunes to Mumford and Sons songs. If you drink it unironically, Ted Nugent songs.

4.) The CONAN THE BARBARIAN remake failed specifically because they didn’t make the tagline “Don’t Call It A Crom-back!”

5.) If a teleporter accident fuses all the Spice Girls into one horrifying abomination, for as long as it lives, you will call it All-Spice.

6.) An entire fan fiction where Yogi is Jesus, Boo-Boo is Judas and Ranger Smith is Pontius Pilate, just so you can get to the pun “Well, Pontius, I guess that’s your bear to cross.”

7.) Morgan Freeman voice: “I would like to tell you that Ollie’s dog-farts don’t peel the paint off walls. I’d like to tell you that but this is no fairy-tale.”

8.) A great name for a late night talk show would be “Your Mom” so that when people talked about it, they’d have to be all like “Oh my God, you should’ve seen who was on Your Mom last night.”

9.) Your party of communist bards and wizards in your Dungeons and Dragons game will refer to themselves as “Mage Against The Machine”.

10.) Whenever you order a wedge salad, everyone in the back laughs at you. “WE DON’T EVEN CHOP IT UP AND THEY PAY MORE!” Oh how they laugh. They are all laughing at you.

11.) The suckers are the ones who buy the line that dreams are for suckers.

12.) If you ever find yourself saying “Why did The Beatles have to break up? They could’ve kept making the best music ever for like DECADES!” I direct you to the last 10 years of The Simpsons or the last 20 years of SNL. Some things end at just the right time. Some… don’t.

13.) When you’ve been living alone with the pets for too long, sometimes at 4AM you will find yourself saying to the dog “Dog, I’ve been hearing rumours you’re a dog. What do you say to the allegations that you are, in fact, a dog?” and you will find it inexplicably funny.

14.) It’s a good thing that we didn’t have the internet in the arcade era because could you imagine how many people would think the review “MR. DO? MORE LIKE MR. DON’T, AM I RIGHT?” was clever?

15.) Goodbye, Frosty the Snowman. Know you will truly be mist.

16.) dear internet, if you let us pay upfront and actually get to own A Thing (a game, a movie, a song, whatever) in the long run, you will get a more loyal customer base that continues to buy stuff for a long time, instead of burning us out on microtransactions until we leave.

17.) The fact that there is a movie called THE EQUALIZER 2 that is not called THE EQUALIZER 2: THE SEQUALIZER is more proof that I should be the one in charge of everything because, dammit, I would not have missed that trick.

18.) Youtube should offer a million dollars to the first parents who will name their triplets “Like” “Comment” and “Subscribe”.

19.) I remember when “alt” was the shorthand for “parallel universe” and not shorthand for “a Nazi who doesn’t like being called a Nazi for public relations reasons”.

20.) Weird are the days when you have no motivation to do anything, not because of anxiety or depression but just because you feel worn out and empty. An… emotionally neutral lack of motivation. I’m still doing what needs to be done today but I’m just kinda… ghosting & coasting.

21.) Whenever I hear someone talk about how their car has “keyless entry” I make a joke to myself about chastity belts because I think I am the funniest person alive but accept that not everyone agrees with my self-assessment.

22.) I am never prouder of the cat than when he eats some of the dog’s food just to spite him.