ju8 in idea barrages

1.) The best argument for Crossfit is, of course, Christ’s rock hard abs. Crucifixion really works the core.

2.) Babies are much cooler when you mentally compartmentalize them as “human puppies”.

3.) Double-proof your dough to piss off the rednecks so that your bread, unlike the South, actually does rise again.

4.) The fake president’s administration are the kind of people who, despite being millionaires and billionaires, still steal silverware from restaurants and other peoples’ houses and are proud of themselves for it, for “getting one over” on others.

5.) One foot through the hatch of the submarine, could it be said that you’re existing sub-liminally?

6.) There is a certain cracked elegance to the fake president attributing screwing over Canada to the War of 1812 as people who voted for him only did so because they still can’t get over losing the Civil War.

7.) “Pretending that the Democrats and Republicans switching ideological places decades ago didn’t happen”… lemme check my card, lemme check… yep… UNORIGINAL INTERNET TROLL BINGO!

8.) If you make Jell-O shots with instant custard instead of with gelatin, the proof is in the pudding.

9.) I have to admit that for years I thought the line in No Sleep Til Brooklyn was “engine running faster than a boy named Kettle” and had no idea what that meant.

10.) After the plane crash, the local tribespeople could do nothing to save her life, they could only use their medicine to ameliorate Earhart.

11.) A forty minute long two-man comedy bit about someone traveling to Nice France and the other guy trying to express support by saying “Nice!” and by the end, the misunderstanding has escalated to the point where one has literally disemboweled the other.

12.) The opposite of hate isn’t love, it’s obsession. Love and obsession are actually quite different things, no matter what the teevee tells you.

13.) I would love if passive-aggressive ad campaigns went aggressive-aggressive. “IT IS DEFINITELY MAYBELLINE!”

14.) “Oh, you misunderstand,” he told the questioning parishioner, “I’m not a Lutheran pastor, I’m a Luthoran pastor. We worship the defeat of the foul alien Superman. We do have coffee and little cakes in the basement after a service, though, too.”

15.) I bet the fake president banned The Eagles when he found out they weren’t gonna play “Take It Easy” for them.

16.) Remember when you saw BATMAN RETURNS and you thought “c’mon, no one would vote for something as crazy, ugly and creepy as the Penguin, suspension of disbelief!”? Simpler times, man, simpler times.

17.) Walter White might seem unorthodox but there’s a meth lab to his madness.

18.) The attempt at an all-centaur adaptation of The Godfather broken down when no one could agree what kind of head would be found in the bed.

19.) The superhero who can summon deceased serial killers to kill the bad guys for him is The Gein Lantern.