ju6 in idea barrages

1.) I’ve got two quick poems and some micro-prose, two quick poems and some micro-prose, two quick poems and some micro-prose.

2.) A hipster interrogates Jesus: “Were the loaves gluten-free, though, Jesus? Was the fish organically non-GMO open-water farmed? WERE DOLPHINS HARMED AND YOU JUST MULTIPLIED THE HARM? Was the wine you made from water, like, were there peppery notes? Jammy undertones?”

3.) “If you enjoy our youtube videos here at the Moss And Fungus channel, lichen subscribe!”

4.) An Ex-Lax ad with the tag line “SEE YA LATER, CONSTIPATOR!” I imagine that Constipator is basically, like, Skeletor except his only power is to make your stool painfully firm.

5.) I have the feeling that Elon Musk could walk out one day, say “we’re upgrading the works of H.G. Wells… TO H.D. WELLS!” and there would be people who’d buy even that. He’s no genius leader, he’s the racist son of a miner-exploiter playing big boy, c’mon.

6.) Paying close attention to the MLBdraft is like putting a downpayment on a yacht because you “feel really good” about your lottery numbers. They might turn out good, they might not, call me back in like… four and a half years.

7.) Now, the DOWNSIDE of taking Ollie to the groomer is his anxiety gas. When this dog gets worked up, he makes the kind of farts where if he passed wind in Syria, even Putin would admit it was a war crime.

8.) Our blood is just a by-product of the churning in our bones, our dreams just a by-product of when we’re stuck alone, our realities by-products of when we stop looking at our phones.

9.) It’s astonishing the half-life of internet fads these days. Remember INSTANT POT recipes? Like a slightly fancier version of a crock pot that everyone was talking about then completely disappeared? Did that last… a month?

10.) The Decepticons unleashed their newest plot to overtake humanity by confusing and demoralizing us in a web of false binaries through their newest robots, The Socialconstructicons.

11.) Sometimes the radio will remind me that DIRTY LAUNDRY and LIFE IN THE FAST LANE aren’t the exact same song.

12.) Sometimes I feel like that one lonely token cherry tomato in the middle of a fast food salad.

13.) It never ceases to amaze me how the fringe left will be all “we have to ENGAGE racist Trump supporters because of ECONOMIC ANXIETY!” but are also like “I WILL NEVER COMPROMISE WITH MAINSTREAM DEMOCRATS BECAUSE THEY ONLY AGREE WITH ME ON 97% OF THINGS!”

14.) Four months later, I’m slowly able to start writing comedic poems/stand-up material again. It’s start and stop but it is gettin’ there, anyway. Progress.

15.) Someday M.O.W. (Mothers Of Werewolves) is going to come down on the internet for culturally-appropriating the term “dog mom”.

16.) The optimistic teacher’s perspective on truancy is “hey, the class is half-full!”

17.) Your mockumentary about a celebrity moving to Central New York to try and escape fame but just getting harassed as hell by local weirdos will be called JEFF BRIDGES OF MADISON COUNTY.

18.) There are far too many songs with “Let’s Go” in the title… the one by the Cars, the one by The Ramones, “Let’s Go Crazy” by Prince… and not enough parodies about that Riddler-lookin’ dude selling the free-government money books, Matthew Lesko.

19.) Someday, there will be a PBS period piece about the fake president’s entourage called DONTOWN ABBEY and no one will believe it actually happened.

20.) It’s not that “women are confusing” or “men are confusing”, it’s that, in the matters of heart and loin, all human beings are confusing. We’re all confused and confusing, it’s not just whatever given type of human you’re into. It’s all of them, it’s all of us, it’s people.

21.) Basically, slow down whatever’s playing on TonyFM at the moment and you’ve got yourself a Vaporwave track.