may capstone barrage in idea barrages

1.) All people are equal in the eyes of God, all humans are equally weak in the eyes of Grodd.

2.) Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: eating, drinking, sleeping, breathing in, breathing out, the elimination of wastes, cell division

3.) When the fake president is getting pegged by an Eastern European hooker, does she yell “THE CZECH’S IN THE MALE!” or does he or… does the witnessing secret service agent? Is it like a Formalized Thing?

4.) Maybe it’s not that the people of the present are easily offended, maybe it’s just that in the past we gave assholes too much slack and now we’re getting better.

5.) If there’s a pornographic parody of Sharknado called “Pornado”, it’s probably better written than Sharknado but, of course, that isn’t saying much.

6.) Retweets are endorsements if perceiving them as endorsements enhances your loyalty to that twitter handle’s brand. Retweets are damnations if perceiving them as damnations enhances your loyalty to that twitter handle’s brand. Brand. Brand. Brraaaaaaaaannnnnnnnd.

7.) The Madonna song “Crazy For You” is basically “Teenage Wasteland” slowed down and played on synth.

8.) MRAs and bigots running around saying SOLO is underperforming “because they put too many women and not-white-people in the Star Wars!” when it’s actually just we’re all broke from seeing Infinity War and Deadpool 2, essentially back to back.

9.) A side point of Roseanne’s awful racist cruelty is… she probably actually believed she was “telling it like it is” and was speaking for America. That’s how isolated from reality her success has made her. She clearly lives in a bubble of yesmen who won’t tell her what she is. The myth that “working class white Midwestern America” is the real America is part of what was wrong with the show ROSEANNE, tied right into this madness, starting with that joke that no one should care about television shows starring non-whites. It’s writ large right there.

10.) At what point do we go from the erection pill ads on teevee straight onto the “botox for men” ads? “POWER THE PARADIGM OF YOUR FACE WITH BROTOX!”

11.) Your company may have two sets of books if there’s an Accounts Deceivable department.

12.) “Why are you limping?” “I suffered a grave injury in The Storage Wars.” “Really? My father fought in The Storage Wars…“

13.) I like to think that Jennifer Grey’s real nose and Jewel’s real teeth are off somewhere hanging out together, maybe in a support group, at peace with the fact that they were both more interesting than their blandly-conventional replacements.

14.) His family fortune was built on deep-fried cornbread but he managed to fritter it away.

15.) I hope that the B-side to “Pour Some Sugar On Me” was titled “Oh God, All These Ants Everywhere, This Was A Terrible Idea”.

16.) HOW TO MAKE FRIENDS AND INFLUENCE PEOPLE. Part 1: You influence people by pretending you’re rich and never admitting when you’re wrong. Part 2: You make friends by not trying to influence people instead just trying to be a good person. THE END.

17.) God, sitting at a desk being interviewed for the documentary: “Yeah, humanity, not my best work, I’ll admit. Kind of a rush-job. Was having troubles with the wife, most of R&D was tied up in that big whales project. To be honest, we were all doing a lot of cocaine back then.”

18.) The gibberish Charles Manson spewed? Dude could speak Sasquatch. That was heavily-accented, not-entirely-grammatical Sasquatch. Charles Manson was speaking Sasquatch at like a 5th grade level. The Bigfeet all thought he was a jerk too but they respected his effort.

19.) Yeah, that’s a very simple bread recipe, clearly for beginners without a lot of time but don’t be kneadlessly judgemental.