dxxviii in idea barrages

1.) I want to dress like an Eastern European oil money plutocrat with an entourage, go into a McDonalds while an assistant orders for me but halfway through eating I just yell “GOOD! THIS IS VERY GOOD! YOU ALL MAKE VERY GOOD HAMBURGERS! I AM PROUD FOR YOU, I AM PROUD OF YOU.”

2.) I once went to a karaoke that had Pink Floyd’s “The Final Cut” on the list. I could’ve made everyone in Van Nuys’ Electric Zoo kill themselves right there but I’m too much of a humanitarian.

3.) A week and a half on the West Coast, haven’t bit my fingernails the whole time but even then, they’re not even lesbian-length nails yet. Maybe if I don’t bite my nails the whole time, I’ll have lesbian-length nails by mid-January.

4.) FRED DURST’S LAW: If you own more than one fitted baseball cap, you own at least seven fitted baseball caps.

5.) The Godwin’s Law of all music arguments is that if they go on long enough, they will reach a point where you are brow-beaten into admitting Springsteen is “at least okay in small doses.”

6.) “Stop watching Let’s Plays of video games so much,” she yelled at her friend, “why don’t you just play the games yourself?” “Chrissy,” her friend retorted, “then what am I supposed to say about all your porn?” They stopped fighting right there, had a good laugh and mended fences.

7.) The most terrifying words you can hear during an emergency are “I reject science and I’m here to help.”

8.) If you’re not sure if your tuna is dolphin-safe or not, try combining it with some all - porpoise flour.