n29 in idea barrages

1.) When the death of net-neutrality throttles the internet and we all have to retreat to low-bandwidth BBS-style threaded message boards, oh man, then us oldsters are gonna shine again. LET’S PRINT SOME ZINES!

2.) The most telling thing about “Project Veritas” trying to scam the Washington Post is that they assumed the Post wouldn’t fact-check because the right-wing media hellsphere doesn’t believe in fact checking and doesn’t believe anyone does.

3.) Sociopaths have the quirk of not being able to imagine that there are people who actually care about other people. They think we’re pretending, that if they can’t, it must all be a show for us too. It’s one of the few advantages we have on them.

4.) I’m not conventionally handsome but who cares, this isn’t a convent.

5.) Your north African-central Asian fusion restaurant will be called Wok Like An Egyptian.

6.) When they make an erotic cake for, like, a bachelorette party, do they make the penis cake in a peter pan?

7.) Raisins used to be normal fruit but in the sun, they discovered their mutant power of grape-shifting.

8.) A movie about Lando’s teen years called CALRISSIAN EXPLAINS IT ALL.

9.) When your proctologist asks you to “do them a solid”, it may not be what you think.

10.) You don’t have to say that the guy with the sportscar is “compensating” you can always just refer to him as “understaffed” it’s more polite.

11.) If you only eat old science magazines, you’re known as an omnivore.

12.) It takes a lot of work to break up a one-man band but it can be done.

13.) As long as sites like youtube, facebook and Twitter pretend that you can run your editorial staff via an algorithm, pretending it’s for high-falutin’ tech-douche reasons but really because they’re too cheap to hire enough editors, the internet will stay trash.

14.) Are aging Deadheads Jerryatric?

15.) A turkey, tracing its talons and turning that tracing into a crude human.

16.) When Maury Povich does yoga, is that maurygami?

17.) They train us to fight our allies with whom we have minor differences so that we never have time to fight the real enemy. Unlearn that and the whole ugly house of cards falls.

18.) Your hair insurance claim was rejected because of a pre-existing conditioner.

19.) After finishing her speech about Baby Jessica, she asked me if I had any comment. All I could think of was “Well Said”.

20.) The Jetsons are in the sky, The Flintstones are on the ground, it is the same year. The Jetsons are the elloi, the Flintstones are the morlocks. There was a robot war that destroyed the Earth, the rich rose to the sky, the few survivors on the ground rebuilt a patchwork new society on surviving pre-digital records of 1960s America with the help of atomic mutations that kinda look like dinosaurs, distrusting the electrical because of the dim cultural memory of the android holocaust. That’s why the Flintstones have a Christmas special.

21.) Whenever someone says they’re an introvert, I want to start pretending I think they have a perverted attraction to introductions but then I realize it will just introvert them more.