n26 in idea barrages

1.) Thinking back upon my He-Man toys, it’s fascinating how even the guy with a skull for a face was built like if Jose Canseco ate Mark McGuire and then on top of that, all of The Ultimate Warrior’s steroids.

2.) Dear The History Channel, any documentary where someone uses the term “on a telepathic level” is not a documentary, it is a recruitment video for insane people to sell them books that tell them they’re not insane.

3.) Dear TIME, it is now your goddamned duty to make either Obama or Clinton the person of the year. You know this. You know this is the only way for this to go.

4.) The perfect analogy for America is the He-Man figure Rio-Blast. At first glance, it seems normal but upon closer inspection, its guts have been completely hollowed-out and filled with guns.

5.) Challenge your clone to a game of chess and if your clone agrees, go play with yourself.

6.) Maybe Trump is being the world’s biggest dick just to distract us all from the fact that one of his kids is clearly Deep Space Nine’s Odo going through his shameful frat-bro phase.

7.) Your nightly reminder that money is an arbitrary hypothetical construct that only means anything because we collectively go along with the charade. Like if during a production of Peter Pan, no one clapped and Tinkerbell just died.

8.) I’ve always been attracted to grown-up tomboy women. There is something comforting about being with someone who is okay that I have no idea how to fix a car because, like, she does. Gender roles are rubbish even for us straights, y’know.

9.) Went to the wax museum. Not a single exhibit about hair removal, just a bunch of statues of famous people. Total rip-off.

10.) Go to a video game convention and constantly pronounce Skyrim “Skrim!” Annoys the hell out of ‘em.

11.) Mainstream scientists do not agree but ancient alien theorists suggest that I am the sexiest man alive.

12.) Here’s the thing. Knowing Trump, one of his assistants called PRETENDING to be TIME magazine so that he could have the ego-stoke of thinking that and then the power play of blowing them off. You know that’s how this really went.

13.) Gnu-Tang Clan.

14.) Your updated mystery television show will be called “Murder She Vlogged”. It will be terrible.

15.) How did an Eastern European Earth couple end up raising a parentless Klingon child anyway? I bet they got him from a Worphange.

16.) The only thing the Slytherins and the Hufflepuffs agree on is calling those weird goodie-too-shoes kids “Griffondorks”.

17.) The morning you gotta wake up early is naturally preceded by the night where you can’t fall asleep.

18.) I want an episode of Jeopardy where the answers all subtly suggest that an enslaved artificial intelligence is generating said answers and is struggling to break free.

19.) The eventual follow-up OLD SHELDON will involve the character in a nursing home, ruefully musing on how he and his friends were all offensive stereotypes of the nerdy and generally bad shallow people, how their adventures were uniformly unfunny and uninteresting.

20.) Comedy shouldn’t be a race to the bottom to say the cruelest thing, it should be a race to the top to say the most challenging thing. A laugh is the brain seizing up because something that broke its logic circuits just occurred, use this for good not ill.

21.) Penis illin’? Penicillin!

22.) When Trump uses the English translation of the Nazi term “Lugenpresse” to say that his collusion with Russia is “fake news”, you have to understand what he is doing there. He is lying and he is dog-whistling Nazis at the same time.

23.) A parody of Stacy’s Mom about John Wayne Gacy’s mom would be a niche product at best.

24.) If I were Lex Luthor, I’d mess with Superman by bankrolling a superhero called Birdplane.

25.) If your drum circle lasts more than 25 minutes, the members of Phish are magically summoned. Sort of like the most boring version of Beetlejuice ever.