the best barrage in a while in idea barrages

1.) I hope Guy Fieri’s advice column will be called FROSTED TIPS. (Also, his breakfast cereal.)

2.) Your EDM name is RICHARD MILHOUSE MIXIN.

3.) Aging is just involuntary detrimental shapeshifting.

4.) Apparently what we made Taylor Swift do was pump out even more formulaic crappy pop music.

5.) Those B.S. “Ancient Aliens” documentaries are just experiments in making an entire show out of rhetorical questions.

6.) Your pirate-themed craft beer will be called Davy Jones’ Lager.

7.) Easter makes a kind of sense because if I saw a guy rise from his grave, I’d poop a chocolate egg too.

8.) Being “alpha male” just means being a greedy selfish thoughtless prick. I’d rather be an omega man.

9.) Mess with the people snooping on your laptop. Make a folder full of Richard Nixon photos on your desktop. Label it “Dick Pics”.

10.) If I could rap, I would rap “Birches ain’t shit but rows of sticks, up in the hills out past the hicks… BIRCHES ARE LINING THE STREETS…“

11.) There will always be lazy people who will judge you for what you are, not for who you are and those people will always be wrong.

12.) “Thank You, Luigi! But Our Princess Is In Another Castle, Waiting For Someone Cool Like Mario To Save Her!”

13.) Technically, in chess, a rook is a queen’s side-piece.

14.) Every rule has an exception. “Never judge a book by its cover”? The exception is if the cover has that neo-Nazi shaved undercut haircut.

15.) Whenever Apple buys Yahoo, oh man, am I gonna have one hell of a “Yahoo? Siri us!” joke for you, Twitter.

16.) Your film about sail-by gondola shootings will be called VENICE 2 SOCIETY.

17.) My new favourite sanitized curse is “CHRISTMAS CRACKERS!”