o2 in idea barrages

1.) “Learn to speak human” I tell the dog “and I can help you better. Doesn’t even have to be English, I speak some French, Pop knows Russian.”

2.) My body itself is a first world problem. Trying to convince myself to go to bed hungry to lower my blood sugar against a sea of bagels.

3.) Do people actually enjoy it when actors crack themselves up on SNL? I find it distracting and unprofessional as hell.

4.) Those goddamn onion bagels are to my blood sugar as the pain box was to Paul in DUNE.

5.) Cardassian rule was eventually overthrown by the Silent Bajority.

6.) Hans Harold Hamburglar, assassinating Mayor McCheese by eating his head.

7.) When the cat will groom himself is inexplicable and unpredictable, it doesn’t make a lick of sense.

8.) Okie hipsters move west in search of greener pastures and more ironic thrift-store shirt finds in THE VAPES OF WRATH.

9.) Kids wonder why I call them “tiny humans” instead of kids. When I was young, I considered being called a “kid” demeaning.