may 30 in idea barrages

1.) Calamari would be popular with millenials if you called it “Cthfoodlu”.

2.) If I were a Life Coach, I would take the concept literally and just keep reminding the person to breathe.

3.) Your band that covers R.E.M. songs as death-metal will be called “Necromantic For The People”. Actually a death metal cover of “The End Of The World As We Know It And I Feel Fine” would kind of make a lot of sense.

4.) My mom’s watching that horrible Four Weddings show and all I can think is to tell all these poor girls “leave your eyebrows alone”. If you didn’t go on TLC to have a television show host mangle your eyebrows beyond all recognition, you aren’t even legally married.

5.) I always try to remind myself, there is some small dignity in loneliness, none in desperation.

6.) The key to any good Bob Dylan impression is to imagine what Bill Cosby would sound like trying to work his way through constipation.

7.) A Dylan parody “Don’t Kick Mice, That’s Not Right”?

8.) Just puttin’ the “me” in “blasphemy” is all.

9.) You think the Hamburglar is bad, he just steals burgers. The Harmburger, he straight up murders them.

10.) Words that could be either about car repair or sex work: “grind” “strip” “screw you out of money”.

11.) According to the Uncertainty Principle, there is a universe where you originally remember them being The Heisenberg Bears.

12.) Be warned, Cinderhipster, at midnight your Coachella will turn back into a humble pumpkinella.

13.) It’s too bad Will Smith never had a career dip as a comeback spurred by a “Gettin’ Jiggly With It” ad for Jell-O would be pretty amazing.

14.) I’ve got a figment spinner. It spins in five dimensions and at top speeds, creates a color beyond the ultraviolet I can only call “blurple”.

15.) Your D&D DM really likes Drzzt. He yells “MORE DROW BELL” during character creation.

16.) Mike’s Law: whenever an attractive woman of an appropriate age for me walks into the cafe, obviously her boyfriend follows behind.

17.) (it’s like being told/the cure’s putting lemon on the wound) (x2) pain works fine for some folks I spose/but hope’s what put man on the moon

18.) I hope that in charm schools there’s a class called “Introduction To Introduction”.

19.) John’s Revelation was contemporary political commentary couched as prophecy, only seeming trippy to us because we lack the time’s context. Romans never thought Rome fell, just shrunk & broke up into rump states all claiming Romeness. Only in the rear view did it obviously fall. Christianity only eclipsed Pagan Rome by being more imperial than the empire it slew. To survive, it became what it sought to defeat.

20.) The alt-left bought the propaganda against HRC because it was constructed to exploit their vanity their desire to feel “in the know” & edgy.

21.) If nothing else, let us at least record a full reckoning of the death of the American experiment. Explain the how and why to the future.

22.) The only happy mediums are scam fortune tellers who just got paid. The rest of us are left to try to strike some workable balance each day.

23.) Every box is a chair if you just have two other boxes to stack behind it.

24.) I like to pronounce “brewpub” as “brewp ub” to confuse people.

25.) To write a man, just imagine a woman w/ an insane amount of unearned privilege and an inability to think about more than one thing at once.

26.) “Life paths” only look like paths after we’ve barrelled thru them in retrospect. We all just stumble forward & rationalize later.

27.) Don’t worry about people who hate on The Doctor, they’re just jelly, babies.

28.) If it was a jail-able offense to violate copyright, we could get a headline of “Judge Books A Man For His Cover”.

29.) A noir story but not about a detective, rather about a hard boiled writer hired to create narratives for people to justify their misdeeds.

30.) It’s a pity that The Wallflowers never had the self-awareness to release and album called “Bland On Bland”.

31.) Honor servicewomen & men past not with self-serving patriotic posturing but rather by opposing wars that would take more of them needlessly.

32.) If you think about it, Catholics rejecting the devil without hearing him out is really just Confirmation bias.

33.) An inability to accept racism greed & total lack of empathy isn’t an “intolerance” to people with a legitimate difference. It’s being humane.

34.) Really, what is the horror called kombucha other than scoby doo?

35.) You exist w/in a web of visible & invisible infrastructures that are a public commons & what you’re able to accomplish springs from that.

36.) I DON’T click the youtube bell. I play it FAST AND LOOSE. I MAKE MY OWN RULES. I am a REBEL.

37.) If the Joker REALLY wanted to mess with Batman, he wouldn’t do crimes, he’d become a hyper-violent gun-toting vigilante.

38.) If you’re ever lost in the Sahara and randomly run into an old friend the MOST IMPORTANT THING TO DO is state the pun “long time, no sea”.

39.) Next time I see a pure white cat, I am DEFINITELY singing “get back, honky cat” at it.

40.) If you ever get to pitch a Sprite ad, make it about the grand conspiracy of lemon-lime sodas, The Illymonatti.

41.) “But baby” he plead trying to save his marriage after an affair with a D&D friend “she didn’t mean anything, it was just some bonus action.”

42.) Galoob is in the heeeeaaart, nah nah nah nah, Galoob is in the heeeeeaaart, nah nah nah nah.

43.) Captain Kirk, botching a role during character creation in a D&D game: “Con? Con?! CONNNNNNNNN!”