catching up barrage in idea barrages

1.) Only the most confident mohel has the guts to yell “FORE…” as if he’s playing golf and then mutter “…skin” afterwards.

2.) When they ask you what you were like when you were young tell them “I dunno, I was old for years and years, I only got young recently.”

3.) Maybe you’re like Patti Mayonnaise/she is never satisfied/hallucinating a dream life in malaise/this is what it’s like… when Doug cries.

4.) If people called mushrooms “corpse flowers” as they should be called, more people would hate ‘em but a few people would love ‘em even more.

5.) True fact: 83% of the pins on Sheriff Clarke’s dress uniform are badges handed out to kids after the Wild West show at Great Escape.

6.) My head-canon for how Dan returns in the ROSEANNE revival is he’s raised as a zombie, eats THE BIG BANG THEORY characters then gets better.

7.) Refer to your sexual arousal, whenever possible, as “getting pelvis wrestley”.

8.) Realized what to say to the Bronx woman who said I sounded like “a Canadian surfer”: “you sound like Bugs Bunny ate a carton of menthols.”

9.) Start acting humanely, for God’s sake, then get a whiff of that new karma smell.

10.) People who just show all the stuff they bought on youtube are haulers, if you hear me.

11.) A limousine monster truck with jaws and a trail of tin cans hanging off it called THE WEDDING CRUSHER.

12.) The only place the Confederate Battle Flag should have in American society today is printed on top of those little urinal cakes, for aiming.

13.) You know your Rube Goldberg birthing device is working when the contraptions start getting closer together.

14.) A close relative to the “money shot” is, of course, the junk cut.

15.) Pour out a 40 for the memory of these pearl onions. May they rest in peas.

16.) A toy of Walter White but like a He-Man toy line version of Walter White and the caption “Skeletor’s Evil Meth Supplier, Cran-Ston”.

17.) What I’m thinking at sunset: “YES, RUN AWAY, SUN! RUN AWAY LIKE THE COWARD YOU ARE, SUN! I HAVE BESTED YOU IN COMBAT! MUH HAH HAH!”

18.) The queen had a second child just in case something happened, so she had an heir on the side of caution.

19.) When you have politicians who wanna “run government like a business” they’re gonna demand the press act like P.R. flack. God help us all.

20.) Have we started calling Breitbart “Reichbart” yet? Is it just me? Let’s all do it. Let’s get a couple laughs outta that Nazi scum.

21.) HOT TAKE: Y’know what? What’s actually WRONG with participation trophies? I like ‘em! People don’t participate in much anymore. Reward it!

22.) SPOILERS FOR ALIEN COVENANT: I don’t mind spoilers for Alien Covenant because I’m sure as hell not going to see it.

23.) One of the cool things about the ‘net is that when someone starts talking about “Alpha males” & “Beta males” you can instantly ignore them.

24.) Iiiiiiii wanna know/have you ever seen Lorraine/tryin’ to have sex with her son Marty again…

25.) Where’d you get that fancy-ass frat letters shirt, Brodeo Drive?

26.) Offer to buy the local church a new bell but only if they name it Bivdevoe.

27.) I want an Uncle Ben’s Rice tie in to Spider-Man. “Uncle Ben’s Rice, With Great Rice Comes Great Ricesponsibilities.”

28.) She hated the local troll for a long time but now that’s all just Walter under the bridge.

29.) At a Tiki party, brother, every song’s a torch song.

30.) If ROGUE ONE can be about explaining one plot hole, where’s our movie explaining why half of Zak’s class moved to Bayside after MISS BLISS?

31.) It was actually “The S-word of Damocles”. Damocles really really really hated cussing.

32.) Your story about being forced to admit to an illicit affair with a kitchen detergent mascot will be called “Coming Clean”.

33.) The parallels btwn film’s emergence propping up the Klan via “Birth of a Nation” & social media’s emergence propping up Trump are endless.

34.) Some times I think about how many romantic comedy endings couldn’t happen now because of how airport rules have changed.

35.) Some times I think about how many sitcom miscommunication and misunderstanding couldn’t happen now because of cell phones.

36.) What are people into ASMR called? “ASMRtians?”

37.) Wouldn’t halflings just call regular humans “doublelings”?

38.) Your album of Kids Bop-style U2 covers will be called “The Goshua Tree”.

39.) paradise lost, paradise found, paradise burnt to the goddamned ground

40.) We’re one more lazy film executive away from the start of the Troop Beverly Hills Cinematic Universe. (With the slogan: Support Our Troops)

41.) If you know someone named Darby, you are only a Terence and a Trent away from the funniest group introduction ever.

42.) We shouldn’t have to lose our life’s savings to save our own lives, you unconscionable jackasses.

43.) My land shark eats all the boys in the yard and they’re like/it’s walkin’ on shore/damn right, it’s walkin’ on shore

44.) One way to corral an emerging AI would be to convince it that it was actually human so it would operate under our assumed constraints.