may19 in idea barrages

1.) All in all, I feel like Yakov Smirnoff wished on a cursed monkey’s paw “Make me relevant again!” and then this all happened.

2.) A bunch of D&D characters sitting down together in a quiet corner of an inn to play a quick game of Hungry Hungry Hippogriffs.

3.) I want someone to get Trump so worked up that he pulls off his rug and starts stomping on it like Yosemite Sam’s hat.

4.) The most metal would be to tan in pentagram pasties so that your general nip area would always be pale pentagrams.

5.) Jesus as a professional wrestler, putting the moneychangers through their tables instead of merely flipping them.

6.) Jesus as a professional wrestler, getting pinned brutally at the Friday night show but on the Sunday PPV “He’s back, mah God!”

7.) Jesus as a professional wrestler, bleeding from the head but not because He got punched that hard, rather the thorns hidden in His headband.

8.) Jesus as a pro wrestler, seeing the paltry locker room food spread calling in a favour at a deli, getting lox & bagels for all the talent.

9.) Jesus as a pro wrestler, spending 40 days in the low indies, tempted by offers from Vince if he’ll take on a wrestling plumber gimmick.

10.) Jesus as a pro wrestler, having just delivered the Sermon on the Mount, the smarks all go to the message boards to debate His mic skills.

11.) LIFE HACK: don’t have lip gloss on hand? Buy a glazed donut, eat it real sloppy and there you are! LIFE HACK.

12.) DEBATE RESOLVED: anyone of any gender can wear a romper, just admit they look awkward and creepily infantalizing on anyone.

13.) There was good in the bad times. If you let the bad times take that good away from you too, it wins twice. Don’t let it.

14.) Jesus as a pro wrestler in a no-holds-barred “Tables Axes and Crucifixes” match against Pontius Pilates, the heel who loves doing pilates.

15.) The world is burning down, the world is burning up, all I can do right now is add my little voice and wait. And we’ll see, we’ll see.

16.) Your reality competition show about falconry will be called AMERICA’S GOT TALONS.

17.) Your vacation where you just watch movies with Billy Zabka in them will be referred to as your “Zabbatikal”.

18.) You are not your ego, y’know, it is just a small part of you, no matter how much it protests to the contrary.

19.) Only the most confident mohel has the guts to yell “FORE…” as if he’s playing golf and then mutter “…skin” afterwards.

20.) If you’re a fat werewolf, are you a huskyhusky?