my best-worst barrage in idea barrages

1.) Change your last names and start a neo-vaudeville comedy act called Difficult and Necessary.

2.) A small orchestra entirely built from precious metals called “The Financial Instruments”.

3.) Transparency through corrupt manner for corruption reasons isn’t transparency, it’s just a shift to a different power group’s occlusion.

4.) People wring their hands about aluminum pans and their mental health then eat a pound attached to Cadbury Eggs each Easter.

5.) A story where Batman finally has a nervous breakdown and turns the Gathering of the Juggalos into an unspeakable bloodbath.

6.) “Physical fitness”. Pfft. All that takes is “self-control” and “focus” and “sustained effort” and all that other stuff I “can’t do”.

7.) Last night’s nightmare I was being digested by the exit ride of a theme park. I think Pink Floyd was playing.

8.) If the only two inevitable are death and taxes, given a choice I’d rather work on overcoming the cosmic former than the piddling later.

9.) Randomly declare “you can’t spell QUIT without U and I” in public. Like, loudly. See what happens!

10.) In the world where we evolved from strawberries instead of apes, the hot horror meme is Blenderman.

11.) The age of delusional inheritance man-children is soon to end either by the people embracing truth or by the man-children dropping the bomb.

12.) I still don’t know why Mr. T hates Jabberjaw so much. Does he just dislike The Curly Voice?

13.) Making money at fishery is all about economies of scale.

14.) Every orgy needs a designated diver.

15.) Half my thoughts: “Am I a not-being just briefly drunk on the liquor of being?” Other half: “I want to eat a fist full of dry bowtie pasta.”

16.) When used as an insult, the eggplant emoji becomes neggplant.

17.) Some guy got nailed three times in one day then slept the whole weekend after and his bros haven’t stopped bragging about it for millenia.

18.) A facebook page called “Here’s A Picture of My Dick” that posts the same picture of Richard Nixon every single day.

19.) My name is Inigo Montoya Junior. You stole my nose. Prepare for cries.

20.) Try to convince people that “hipster” started from a contraction of “happy” and “easter”.

21.) agnocchism: being so-so on potato dumplings

22.) The first rule of Book Club is that traitors to Book Club are clubbed to death with books.

23.) With my luck, not only will the man-children drop the bomb but copies of BIG BANG THEORY will survive to torment those few who live.

24.) Moderately-Sized Man Tate #EnlargeAFilm

25.) Maybe Kylo Ren is a jerk because as a boy he was forced into playdates with Lumpy from the Holiday Special. Makes sense.

26.) Someday podcasts and youtube videos will realize that we hate their “live” versions because they’re rambling with crap production value. Not like “live call-in” I mean like “live from the Omaha Yuk-Yuk Hut” with an annoying crowd constantly interrupting with laughter, applause, comments, etc.

27.) I don’t want atomic war to kill everyone/everything I’ve ever known then I see DANCING WITH THE STARS and wonder, am I just being selfish?

28.) I like how they call the endless regurgitation of old ideas “IP” because they’re just urinating on our souls.

29.) I’m the kinda nerd who wants to start calling Tomi Lahren “Tymlo Ren of the Alt-Empire”.

30.) Dear James Gunn, there’s a “I get that reference” off between Quill and Cap in the Infinity War movies somewhere right? C’mon!

31.) Your Jethro Tull cover band that performs in the style of The Little Mermaid will be called Aqualung and it will save us all.

32.) Your death metal band HUMAN KILLING MACHINE will actually be death metal about being a Luddite.

33.) When criminals in video games have infinite ammo, I always think “why with the crime? just get rich selling your infinite ammo”.