45 in idea barrages

1.) I sure hope that the Billy Mays biopic will be called AMAYSING. Also, if you need a lead, I can grow a thick beard.

2.) There is a term for giving a billion in tax dollars to a rich man for a football field while your roads crumble: Stockholm Syndrome.

3.) The perfect amount of mustard-to-cold-cut is called The Gulden Ratio.

4.) After you get a really witty quip in, make sure to yell “SNARK ATTACK!” and then chomp your jaws like a shark a few times.

5.) Sam finds himself in chain mail, thinking he has somehow gone back hundreds of years only to discover its just QUANTUM LARP.

6.) “Do as thou, Wilt” heard the basketball player and then proceeded to have sex with 10,000 people.

7.) A penny saved is a penny earned, rich folks however usually get that way by stealing whole dollars.

8.) This dog’s tendency to psychotically bark at nothing just to have something to do or to get attention places him firmly in this family.

9.) Dear facebook, you already can write words into facebook, why do you need to make a picture out of your words with a coloured background?

10.) Your sequels to “Love, Actually” will be called “Love, To Be Fair” “Love, In My Humble Opinion” and “Love, To Play The Devil’s Advocate”.

11.) We will all die, right after the Mets medical staff tells us it is only a scratch.

12.) The song Smooth is a Santanic ritual.

13.) If you’re doing yoga and you’re wearing pants, congratulations, you’re wearing yoga pants.

14.) Release your rough demos and call it a “demix” album.

15.) I kind of want Peter Dinkledge to play Lincoln in something just because “Abraham Dinkledge” is so fun to say.

16.) “Friendzone” doesn’t exist. If you fall for a friend who doesn’t dig you back, that sucks, but don’t use friendship as a “step” toward sex.

17.) Am I perceiving the world or am I just perceiving the rough approximation my senses can provide? Either way, it’s all I got.

18.) From the looks of youtube, 83% of all Altoids are uneaten, simply dumped out and the tins used for preppers to store fishing hooks.

19.) A treehouse is pretty cool. You know what’s really cool? A house with a tree growing on top of it.

20.) If you are a couple named Jen and Barry and you haven’t named your child Garry Charcia, you’re doing it wrong.

21.) Nearly any menu item at Carls Jr could pass as a porn name. “Big Carl”? Check. “Famous Star”? Check. “Jalapeño Thickburger”? DOUBLE CHECK.

22.) VICE is what a 37 year old stockbroker THINKS the kids think are cool. And I say this as a 37 year old art-bum.

23.) I am still pitching my 80s-90s Syndication Cinematic Universe with Small Wonder, My Secret Identity and Out Of This World.

24.) Whenever possible if someone refers to Law Enforcement Officers as “LEOs” try to pretend you think it’s an astrology thing.

25.) I just got blocked by a person who thinks enjoying the death of hundreds is a valid opinion to have. Twitter!

26.) If you keep a binder full of stuff to read on the toilet in the bathroom, is that your Crapper Keeper?

27.) The dog is sad that it’s raining like hell but the cat is downright angry. The cat is ENRAGED and it’s probably the healthier reaction.

28.) If the people behind the Flash show were hip, they’d title an episode “Grodd’s Not Dead”.

29.) If you find a crudely written note that says “ME NO LIKE BREAD” on your back, you may have run afoul of Prankenstein.

30.) The most boring of all the Marx Brothers merchandise was, of course, the Zeppo Lighter.