319 in idea barrages

1.) Dear Generational Peers: if you mention NKOTB to your children, they will think you mean North Korean Off Track Betting.

2.) If Schrodinger had used a dog as an example instead, we would’ve had to deal with parallel barking.

3.) I’m surprised the WWF has not yet produced a Sharknado knock-off called “Gorilla Monsoon”.

4.) If I were half-Irish and half-Jewish and St. Patricks fell during Passover I’d spend the day throwing latkes at people, laughing maniacally.

5.) Some are bothered when okay leaders enact glacially slow progress, forgetting how much the other guy would’ve caused us to regress.

6.) Trump absolving Chucky of all his crimes with the headline “Dolly Pardoned!”

7.) “Friendzone” is an awful misogynistic contrivance but being in a zone where you’re forced to watch Friends would be almost as bad.

8.) The number at which you cross the threshold from a collection of sand grains and a beach is vague but eventually it does transubstantiate.

9.) The idea of a sexually transmitted disease wherein your pubic hair is infested by tiny owls. “Ah man, I think he gave me Owls!”

10.) Watching Quantum Leap, wishing kids had heroes like that today, Sam Beckett, all intellect and common decency, the Anti-Trump.

11.) Another parody not enough people would get: Stones “Beast of Burden” about Charlie McCarthy and Edgar Bergen.

12.) Wifi enabled panties, on the internet of thongs.

13.) If only more people knew Ben Folds “Philosophy”, I could write a hell of a parody about colostomies.

14.) Your heavy metal Ben Folds 5 tribute band will be called “Ben Folds, Spindles and Mutilates”.

15.) Next time someone calls you clever, ask “does that mean you wanna mount cleverest?”

16.) If you ever meet the guy who played the Karate Kid, you have to greet him “Hai, Karate!”

17.) A green-suited super-villain who steals credit card numbers with his battlecry “You’re a victim of Identity Frog!”