37 in idea barrages

1.) The four best porn stars will be carved into the side of Mt Thrustmore. The four best tweeters will be carved into Mt Cleverest.

2.) Don’t bother spending money on facebook ads for your psychic fair. Anyone who’d show, they’d just know.

3.) Why does the background music in the Bosley Hair Replacement ad sound like “Sympathy For The Devil” transliterated to muzak?

4.) I hope the sequels to “Love, Actually” will be “Love, Figuratively” “Love, Technically” and “Love, Approximately”.

5.) Whenever a Robin dies, Batman just picks up another one from the Heir Club For Men.

6.) Basically, I’m like a critical-hit class warrior but at being a person. When I’m great, I’m fantastic. When I’m meh, I’m double-meh.

7.) Would a pegicorn be a Pegasus unicorn or a Halloween-themed sex toy?

8.) Before you buy a dietary scare clickbait whole, remember, we drink a major ingredient in antifreeze every single day! (Water.)

9.) I’m just here to do difficult meaningful work and chew bubblegum. And you would not believe how much bubblegum I possess.

10.) If you’re so devoted to your “right” to carry deathsticks you’ll allow the insane to have them in lieu of risking it, that’s on you, not us.

11.) I have a feeling that in Trump’s only actual success as a game show host, he pitched a Family Feud spin-off called “Race War”.

12.) I like to believe there was a Soviet Back To The Future rip-off called “Stalin For Time”.

13.) Someday, history will describe football as “billionaires making millionaires slowly cripple each other to keep the poor distracted”.

14.) Mohawk Valley lore is as such, there are two days you do not go into Utica: Boilermaker and St. Pats. To do otherwise is to court disaster.

15.) Calling the bill to steal health insurance “the American Health Care Act” is the height of dystopian newspeak.

16.) Why can’t I just put together a band and do my nerdier parodies at comic-cons for the rest of my life as “Mr. Remxyzptlk”?