xmas eve barrage in idea barrages

1.) I want a Quantum Leap where Sam is a waiter at a golf course who runs out of lemonade and invents the Arnold Palmer.

2.) Dating sites are a conspiracy by depression and anxiety medicine companies to up their business.

3.) The problem with art is if some jerk can do a really bad job of it for free they believe people who can do it well should work for free too.

4.) Jimmy Fallon and Seth MacFarlane in the same place is a douchestorm to the extent that a vinegar shortage could be caused.

5.) Admitting you were wrong and promoting that captain after all was pretty admiralable.

6.) I have no idea how Ben and Jerrys hasn’t made DEATH CAB TOFUTTI yet.

7.) If your documentary on competitive Rubiks Cube isn’t called TURNING TRICKS, why did you even bother?

8.) We’re not too far off from someone trying to launch a shared AMEN/227 rebooted cinematic universe.

9.) When we have recreational marijuana in NY, K-Rock had better have “KRockPot” contest on the regular.

10.) The way to manipulate the Trumps is to play on Eric’s crush on his former co-worker on Deep Space Nine, Major Kira.

11.) It’s always weird when the “gift” at the end of a Christmas special is getting to deliver toys with Santa. Yay, forced magical labor?

12.) Try not to listen to Wham’s “Last Xmas” thinking that this is the last Xmas as the usurper-in-waiting’s gonna end the world in ‘17.

13.) If you give birth in a manger, no matter how easy or hard the delivery, you are immediately in stable condition.

14.) The hockey term “The Crease Rule” sounds like a prison code for which acts make you gay & which acts are just about getting your rocks off.

15.) We become STRONGER tapping into the strengths that make us each uniquely us, the “participation trophy/special snowflake” narrative blows.

16.) I like to pretend that when they say “five to seven knots” they mean five to seven times the running speed of your average Don Knotts.

17.) My favourite Tom Cruise movie is the one where he runs that illegal deli, RISKY BRISKETS.

18.) Probably only for the crew of Ru Paul’s Drag Race is the double meaning of the term “gaffer’s tape” at its peak of confusion.

19.) By far, the best mash-up of Blazing Saddles and a terrible late-90s one-hit-wonder dance song is “Mongo Number Five”.

20.) The Usurper is like a Reese Cup of Republican awful, the vapid ignorance of Reagan wrapping a creamy centre of Nixon’s paranoid corruption.