december opening barrage in idea barrages

1.) It’s not the most opportune time or place to have an understanding of human history and a barely-controlled anxiety disorder.

2.) Everything is context, is recontextualization. The problem is deconstruction’s a 1st step not an end unto itself. Whence the reconstruction?

3.) Rap exclusively about episodes of “Fantasy Island” under the moniker “Kid Roarke”.

4.) “Vigilante lynch mob? Don’t be rude,” they’ll say as they run us down to string us up, “we prefer the term Alt-Police.”

5.) I want Robocop to battle a villainous counterpart named Crimemachine.

6.) A cartoon about Shaq and his three nephews Sheek, Shik and Shok traveling the world treasure-hunting called “Dunk Tales”.

7.) I want a story where Cumberbatch declines being in a Star Wars movie just so we can get the headline “No Sith, Sherlock?”

8.) The Council demands a week of Jeopardy where there are celebrity guests but championship-level answers. Give us that, at least.

9.) We need an even more cold demeaning word for the purchasing public than “consumers”. How about “demandroids”?

10.) A slasher film that takes place at a Vermont ski resort called KILLINGTON. Just gimme a hundo grand and 10 points on gross.

11.) The name “Instagram” is wasted on a picture sharing site when it would’ve been so much better for a drug-delivery service.

12.) Just make me the Mycroft Holmes of pop-culture, sitting around processing it, occasionally driving to my Diogenes Club.

13.) The Ninja Turtles, all named after Italian exploitation directors instead: Deodato, Argento, Fulci and Mattei.

14.) Being a nerd, I demand the St. John hockey team change its name to The St. John Jills.

15.) It’s not “playing the victim” if you’re actually a victim. Christ, I hate that condescending turn of phrase so very much.

16.) The naive idea the alt-reich will turn on Trump mistakenly pretends they have principles. They just want their vague hatred made manifest.

17.) When you mock the idea of a trigger warning, you’re saying you’re such a narcissist you think your amusement means more than anothers pain.

18.) Considering the shambles of this year, could we get a Rogue One Holiday Special?

19.) Your D&D adventure where the party is attacked by a wizard in their dreams will be called “Nightmare On Helm’s Deep”.

20.) We need Ian McKellen to play Ron Paul as the lead villain in a movie while he is still with us.