october starter barrage in idea barrages

1.) Nearly everything that facebook ads declare “unbelievable” are actually imminently believable. Except some of the religious ones, I s’pose.

2.) Do I call everyone “sir” and “maam” because I’m polite or because I always forget names? I’ll admit I’m not even sure sometimes.

3.) The Earth has a revolution every day and a big one every single year. We’re just inured to seeing them is all.

4.) I still say Emoticon sounds like a place to get autographs from The Cure.

5.) Whenever we manage to destroy ourselves, chickens will rule the world and be sick of doing The Human Dance at weddings.

6.) haiku intros need
to be shorter than the piece
or, at least, as long

7.) I like to believe that somewhere in the 80s at a fish and game club a cover band was paid to play “Hip To Be Snared”.

8.) LIFEHACK: When receiving chest x-rays, they give you a 25% discount off your bill if you start singing “Aorta Be In Pictures”.

9.) Have hipsters had “Pinatra Parties” where they fill paper-mache Frank Sinatras with candy and smash them to bits yet?

10.) When talking about the chaotic horrors on reddit, more headlines should use the phrase “Lord of the Files”.

11.) When you are rich enough to commission a solid-gold Transformers action figure, you will call it Opulence Prime.

12.) Your art-house superhero film will involve a character named Ingmar Birdman.

13.) LIFEHACK: When this election really gets you down, imagine Alton Brown cursing up a filthy blue streak and you’ll be a little bit less sad.

14.) I feel so bad for the news-outlet interns being forced to dress as clowns in K-Mart parking lots in an attempt to create memetic local news.

15.) A variation on the “never really graduated and had to go back to school” recurring dream, lately it has been that halfway through Syracuse I transferred to Cornell for some damned reason. I have no idea where it came from or why but it is now in place of my “it turns out I accidentally didn’t finish French in high school and had to go back as an adult” recurring dream. I don’t know where my head is.

16.) six unfinished things
laptop linger as text files
six of so many

17.) When you can get past the unknowable answers and move onto the more interesting questions, you have a chance.

18.) Some people don’t want to make a big deal out of a bris but others will go that extra mohel.

19.) September’s last day
felt like the first day of fall
used to be them all

20.) Had The Angry Orange been even the Queens borough dog-catcher once, they’d call him “the honourable” but Sec. Clinton is “Mrs.”?

21.) In Soviet Philadelphia, Santa Claus throws batteries at YOU.

22.) Rock and roll is the new rock and roll.

23.) I wonder what happened when the first person who sold porn to hotel rooms heard about high-speed online.

24.) Where I am in New York, when you say “Kingston” we assume the one in Ontario, not the one in the Hudson Valley.

25.) The only remaining Star Wars merch that hasn’t been produced is a tan-coloured version of Big League Chew called “Chewbacco”.

26.) Gangspa Rap is over samples of soothing New Age music and is generally on the subjects of massage and steam baths.