august capstone barrage in idea barrages

1.) Anyone with any sense of history realizes that Trump is basically running as George Wallace with heavy brain damage, yes?

2.) Of all the bad things that don’t really matter, getting a video in a newslink when you expected a written story is the worst of those.

3.) If you REALLY wanna piss off the Devil, assume that he can play the pan flute. “That’s a hurtful stereotype about satyrs!” he’ll weep.

4.) Get a tattoo on your leg of Danzig. Not his logo but the man himself. Then, underneath as a caption write “(Actual Size)”.

5.) AM Radio is a news report warning you about a scam and then, immediately after, three ads for scams in a row.

6.) A campaign ad that is just someone monotoning the word “Jobs” over and over for thirty seconds.

7.) I kind of want to start a twitter that’s just letters to Frankenstein now but Lord knows I already do too much useless crap.

8.) They will stream their consciousnesses into each others bodies, into strangers bodies, into strange bodies. It will be called “bodcasting”.

9.) If Trump just started reciting the lyrics to Pink Floyd “In The Flesh” at a rally, would anyone even notice?

10.) Maybe Big Pharma will try to soften its well-earned horrific image with ads starring a 25 foot tall friendly doctor named “Big Pharma”.

11.) Wait until you figure out if your cat hates the vacuum cleaner before you name it. Set up “Nature abhors a vacuum” jokes for 15 years.

12.) Rare are the contexts where you can drop “the costumer’s always right” as a quip but they’re worth it.

13.) Just read a book about Twain fighting through the “shame” of debt then thought of Trump, bragging about exploiting bankruptcy.

14.) Had the Beastie Boys been formed in 2015, one of them would be named Ad-Block.

15.) A man is a finalist for president because his father was rich and he’s loudly racist. Success is clearly a crapshoot, forgive yourself more.

16.) The Mets are the Black Knight from “Monty Python’s Holy Grail”. Limblessly screaming “It’s only a flesh wound!”

17.) I’m sure the CGI-heavy prequel HOWARD’S BEGINNING is in pre-production somewhere.

18.) I am great in certain targeted ways but the utility of my specific greatness is woefully erratic and it frustrates me to no end.

19.) Ask about free shipping! You will not receive free shipping but it amuses us when you grovel!

20.) I await The Twitter Tipping Point when so many people are verified that the hip thing for the famous to do is to get the checkmark removed.

21.) The phrase “the youtube community” mystifies me. The millions trying to get rich talking while mildly attractive can’t all know each other.

22.) Sometimes I wonder if the Southeastern opposition to immigration isn’t “if WE don’t get slaves why does the Southwest get basically-slaves?”

23.) Your reality show looking to discover the nation’s most vicious harpie will be called AMERICA’S GOT TALONS.

24.) Worry is just regret while it’s still in the chrysalis, waiting for its terrible wings to finally burst through and emerge fully empowered.

25.) Your sexual fantasies will sound so much classier if you refer to them as “speculative friction”.

26.) Sometimes we overfill ourselves with the naughtiness we’ve repressed and we became sinatas, waiting for the right strike to burst us.

27.) I’ve finally realized that this recurring dream about having gum stuck in my teeth is because I wear a grindguard to sleep.