89 in idea barrages

1.) Two frat boys hooking up often ends in a bro job.

2.) Sometimes you see a pic of an ex with her new dude and you’re genuinely happy because he’s fat so that isn’t why she dumped you.

3.) When you realize you won’t be a rock star or a baseball player, then starts the long winding road to figuring yourself out enough to write.

4.) Wealth’s a crapshoot, fame’s a bottomless pit, the only reason to be in the arts is they’re the only thing you’re any good at. So here I am.

5.) We imagine them as swordfighters but they’re called The Three Musketeers, for God’s sake, why don’t we imagine them with muskets?

6.) At this point, Trump could break out into a Disney Villain song called “I Hate You All” and people would cheer.

7.) We’ll compromise: you can put truck nuts on the back of your truck but you have to put motorcycle cameltoe on the front of your bike.

8.) I got a really interesting compliment tonight, that I was the comic who least talked about my own personal life, that my material was almost exclusively about my perspective on popular culture and politics and whatnot, not about my life and that… it made me stand out. I liked that. I never thought of that.