a goddamn solid barrage in idea barrages

1.) Logically speaking, “boxing” could well have been called “fisting” and we could’ve had “heavyweight fisting champions”.

2.) It took what felt like forever but their plans for simultaneous orgasm were starting to come together.

3.) Wouldn’t it be weirder if someone DID immediately discern your pet’s gender? If that’s where one’s gaze immediately goes, that’s worrying.

4.) To sell certain folk on the left just call it Organic. To sell certain folk on the right just call it Survival. Sell Organic Survival gear. Organic Survival gear, certified gluten-free with a bottle opener on the bottom.

5.) Cookies and Cream Oreos are subtly the divide-by-zero meta-gluttony of our junk food culture.

6.) Stage a festival of washed-up Australian musical acts. Call it Koalapolooza. Rake in the hipster trust fund money hand over fist.

7.) In some ways, my life has been a long struggle with the truth that the perfect is the enemy of the good and it probably always will be.

8.) A “Son Of A Preacher Man” parody about the son of the Creature from the Black Lagoon?

9.) Trump’s a fascist for the reality television age. A MussolinE! if you will.

10.) Sell those little pads that suction to the bottoms of tubs to a new generation of heshers and call them Slip-Nots.

11.) “Nope!” The Ancient Aliens drinking game. Every time the narrator asks a stupid question, yell “NOPE!” & drink. (Warning: It Will Kill You.)