a doozy of a barrage in idea barrages

1.) Humility will keep you sane but holds you back from life-changing action. Confidence, the opposite. Still, one failing I must try the other.

2.) The term “augmented reality” is a fraud. These things add another level of artifice. That may even be positive but call it what it is.

3.) Since I don’t play PokemonGo, when people ask me what team I am, I say “Hufflepuff” guaranteeing that I troll everyone at once.

4.) His resemblance to the Middle Eastern potentate was nearly identical but it was Emir Coincidence.

5.) How many old sitcom plots would be undone by cell phones or old romance novel plots undone by a society fine with premarital sex?

6.) Will Daniel Radcliffe be in the movie of the distant-future Harry Potter sequel? Will people start calling him “Dadcliffe”?

7.) Lawyers into BDSM are legally binding.

8.) If someone ruins your buzz, say “Who are you, the Stay-Puft Harshed Mellow Man?”

9.) Maybe Charlie Brown is actually dead and his torment by Lucy is because Lucy is short for Lucifer.

10.) The “headliners” at Trump’s convention are a techbro who files nuisance lawsuits to kill the boredom & a failed football player. Sure.

11.) Would a parody of “Like A Virgin” “Like A Vegan” fall under the “Weird Al Already Did A Different Parody Of The Same Song” rule?

12.) If ALF’s real name was Gordon, why wouldn’t they just call him that? That is so demeaning in retrospect.

13.) Superman was circumcised by his great-uncle Moh-El.

14.) Investing in marijuana distribution is all about knowing when to sell-high.

15.) A cat internet where the most popular video is a human child trying to escape a cardboard box but is failing miserably.

16.) Youtube is a slickly produced five minute opening theme song for a series of two minute video game reviews stepping on our throats forever.

17.) Garfield hates Mondays because that’s when Jon had him neutered.

18.) Pepperidge Farm has gone down some dark roads. Pepperidge Farm has seen things it cannot unsee. Pepperidge Farm… remembers.

19.) The optometrist isn’t ready to date, she’s gonna focus on herself right now.

20.) If you’re mad at female Ghostbusters because “who will my little boy look up to?” ask yourself why he can’t look up to a woman, you dingus.

21.) You’re not “losing value” by locating your business in America and in the state you’re in. You’re PAYING YOUR TAXES, ya knob.

22.) There are multiple parallel dimensions where the leaders of America, England and Canada are Trump, Johnson and Ford at the same time.

23.) You think our generation is all “wake and bake” but really our generation is woke and broke.

24.) Remember: Turkey is destabilized because Kurdistan was emboldened by America destabilizing Iraq. We made this.

25.) Remember: the carrot of EU membership was moderating Turkey. Brexit weakening the EU can’t have helped this either.

26.) Remember: training the police to think they are the military means they would side with any military coup. It can happen here.

27.) America as post-modern Nero: catching a Voltorb while the world burns down.

28.) The gig economy is the dying middle class’ economic-deprivation tank.

29.) The power outage from the lightning storm left them temporarily ohmless.

30.) I mean, the Trump-Pence logo is Trump sticking it in Pence’s P-hole. That’s what it is. There’s no denying it.

31.) A whole lot of nerds are looking at the news and asking “…The Demon from DC Comics was in charge of Turkey?”

32.) Is a novelist’s convention just Prose & Con?

33.) Trump thinks he’s so goddamned funny but I don’t see a shred of evidence, where’s the mirth certificate?

34.) They say the rewards of working for the neo-feudal lords are great but I see in the Wal-Mart are fabulist prizes.

35.) Dental physician, brace thyself.

36.) If you’re going to loot a magazine stand during a riot, at LEAST yell “BREAKING NEWS!” right before you smash the window.

37.) Joining the Mile High Club while in free-fall should be called “bang-gliding”.

38.) The only acting role Dane Cook should have anymore is playing the Deadpool in the movie-within-a-movie in Deadpool 2.

39.) Total Recall puts the “joy” in “conjoined mutant twin”.

40.) How isn’t Guy Fieri Trump’s VP nominee? It makes almost too much sense.

41.) Five or six years back on the East Coast, I’ll still slip up and call Lotto “SuperLotto”. California burnt that into me.

42.) In space, no one can bring you ice cream.

43.) Show up to a toga party in stretchy pants, reeking of patchouli and say “Oh I thought you said YOGA party!”

44.) I’m surprised Kool-Aid didn’t have a tie-in drink with the To Kill A Mockingbird prequel called “Blue, Radly”.

45.) Feast like pagans, screw like Catholics, dream like Buddhists, wake up and do good work like humanists. Then feast again.