post-ruthian barrage in idea barrages

1.) Your Tori Amos cover band will be called Tori Almost.

2.) When people shorten “birthday” to “b-day” am I the one person who hears the word in my head as “bidet”? “Happy bidet!” you are yelling.

3.) A “Who’s On First” discussion between a rapper and a pirate about booty.

4.) A Three Dog Night cover band containing exactly three Dougs.

5.) If Lois Lane’s middle name were Olivia, she’d LOL.

6.) Lindsay Lohan really needs to be in a Superman/Supergirl show or movie somewhere, just because of the LL thing.

7.) One problem with being a baseball fan and writing poetry is constantly confusing Carl Sandburg and Ryne Sandberg.

8.) Your essay on Shakespearean influence on Star Trek will be called “Live Long and Prospero”.

9.) Had the iceberg hit during Jack and Rose’s sex scene, Titanic could’ve had the best “just the tip” joke ever.

10.) One day a year in Fantasyland, you can steal anything you want from anyone’s cottage, it’s called THE PORRIDGE. It’s… kinda terrible.

11.) If you are an up and coming female rapper, an icky but incredibly marketable stage name could be The Vagenius.

12.) The First Rule of Spite Club is to piss everyone off by talking too much about Spite Club.

13.) A picture of someone murdering a horrible clown monster with the hashtag #KillingIt.

14.) The years of battling monsters had been long but she was no worse for the were.

15.) He understood that parsecs are a measure of distance not speed, he was saying that he took dangerous but profitable shortcuts.

16.) The audience prize at the Adult Video Awards should be called The Peepholes’ Choice Award.

17.) Bullies seem strong when they’re on top but have no idea what to do when they don’t have the advantage. Never mistake it for strength.

18.) Your absurdist comedy troupe will be called Monty Pynchon’s Flying Cerberus.

19.) You will never defeat hate with more hate. More hate is… more hate, that’s all. My word, though, that cycle is profitable.

20.) Hate is additive. Violence is additive. Your love is exponential if you let it but those who feed on fear will dissuade you. Don’t let them.

21.) I’ve put my feet in the sea at Nice. It was the most beautiful blue. Violence there is almost unimaginable but sadly only almost.

22.) All the ways I’m afraid I’ve never feared the snow or the rain I’ve stood at the edge of a tornado entranced by the terrible beauty I dunno.

23.) I’m still astonished that no hipster soda company put out a birch beer called “Basic Birch” or “Resting Birch Face”.