Good Morning. in The Napkin.

I missed the assembly on body wash. I’m a life-long bar user, and am always baffled by how one operates body wash. It’s.. lather in a tube? But I use the bar via scrubbing my Timmyparts to build a lather. Body wash also tends to feel slimy - like it takes longer to rinse off. I should feel cleaner after showering, not like I need to be rinsed off more.

I also missed the assembly on wash cloths. I generally only use them if I really need to scrub something. How dirty ARE you people? Where has your epidermis been? I promise my undercarriage is quite clean, no wash cloths required.

I don’t understand the cultural importance of tea. It tastes bland, doesn’t do much for your system, and has little nutritional value. At least enough coffee will give you a Caffeine Buzz. People claiming they drink coffee for the flavor are lying to themselves. Coffee tastes like ass**. And not good ass. I’d know, I eat ass. I’d rather eat ass than drink coffee. If I really want to hydrate in the morning, I’ll just chug water. Because water tastes stupid, but is kind of important.

It’s generally accepted that if you’re the one first person awake in a household, you have a responsibility to be the fuck quiet. Loudly asking “HEY ARE YOU AWAKE” is the opposite of this. I’m so glad I live alone, and can wander around naked whenever I want at any hour.

Breakfast is overrated, but oatmeal is not. I have no taste buds in the morning as it is. I couldn’t enjoy a filet mignon if I wanted to. The person who “enjoys” oatmeal for a primary meal clearly has no taste buds. Plain oatmeal is perfect for a meal when you can’t taste a thing.

They say staring at a wall with no thoughts is a sign of depression. I wonder if our ancestors were always depressed but never considered it because there was shit to do to entertain themselves. “Whelp, gonna stare at a fire tonight for entertainment.” Wonder if parents scolded their kids for watching fires too much, the way we currently feel about TV.

I want a lawn someday, just so I can rant at young whippersnappers to get off it.

I buy into “idle hands breeds idleness.” I am almost never energetic if I’m sitting around. I only feel energetic if I’m moving. Once I sit down? Energy, what energy? Resting doesn’t always lead to feeling rested. Bodies are stupid.

I still prefer bathrooms that have a Poop Fan. Oh sure, I know it’s for circulating damp shower air out of the bathroom. But we all know that the Poop Fan helps us relax when we’re shitting our brains out. I’m fine with chicks watching me pee, but if I have one limit, sorry honey, I’d like a little TimmyTime while I poop a poop.

I’ve never tasted good wine. My observation is: the cheaper, the better. The closest thing to beer that I’ll enjoy is Strongbow. Otherwise, dude, just get me drunk on vodka. Quit this pussyfooting around - straight alcohol tastes like poison, and we add all this shit to it to mask it. If I want something tasty and carbonated, I’d rather drink a Stewart’s Root Beer. And if I wanted to get a buzz, fucking use that as a chaser for some hard alcohol.

I can’t get a good workout if I’m not at my Home Gym.

This may be the first year a friend’s family isn’t throwing a bash around the 4th. I look forward to that party all year.

Not sure whether I disassociate too much, or am too hyperpresent.

I like cheese.

**Well, unless I really want a Caffeine Buzz. Then I’ll down shots of instant coffee. I become manic, and my bowels become clear. I bet people drink coffee to make up for the lack of fiber in their diets.