first decent barrage in a while in idea barrages

1.) I wanted the subtitle to be “Passion Of The Christ 2: Rise Of The Silver Surfer”.

2.) In lighter news, watching Paul Ryan (a monster but a smart monster) have to pretend Trump isn’t an idiot is completely hilarious.

3.) The best thing about comedy is: if something worked that means it’ll never work again & trying the same thing over & over just gets you SNL.

4.) Hipster Joker in SUICIDE SQUAD looks 8000% less true to character than the new Ghostbusters but sadly geek culture’s still sexist as hell.

5.) A downbeat regretful acoustic cover of “Whomp There It Is” in the past tense called “Whomp There It Was”.

6.) The only way Trump could be more popular with internet sexists would be if he promised to call the Mexico Wall “The Gamer Gate”.

7.) Grade everything on a scale of 1 to 8.5, just to keep everyone else on their toes.

8.) Self-obsessed medics do a lot of navelgauzing.

9.) Baby, are you a dictionary? Because you’re DEFINEST I’ve seen in years.

10.) Whenever the radio station has their yearly Krockathon w/ bands for 12 year olds let’s have an opposing slow-cooker festival the Crockathon.

11.) Convince someone that the hot new watered-down swear is “Food Truck!” For example: “Shut your food trucking mouth!”

12.) Oh na-na oh na-na demons keep spare souls in their shoes, oh na-na oh na-na, demons keep spare souls in their shoes.

13.) Some Mormons spend years of their young adulthood in a missionary position.

14.) Difference is not a chance to judge and feel superior, it is an opportunity to learn and become more humane. Don’t screw it up.

15.) (to the tune of Der Fuhrer’s Face) When the Donald says he’s gonna build a wall, we punch, punch, punch Donald in the balls…

16.) Step back, out of yourself and consider: how much of my opposition to Hillary is from sublimating 25 years of a Republican hate machine?

17.) The irony of people constantly blasting out on social media about how introverted they think they are could power a starship.

18.) Some people would only watch televised soccer in an emergency, you know, any sport in a storm.

19.) Billion dollar idea: green-dyed hash-oil infused cheese curls called “Nugs”.

20.) If that corny Yanks announcer w/ his corny HR calls referred to Refsnyder HRs as “A Triumph Of The Will from Refsnyder!” I’d at least laugh.

21.) When people refer to Bruce Springsteen as “Bruce” as if you’re supposed to know that, start talking about your love of Bruce Villanch.

22.) Merrick Garland may have been screwed out of the Supreme Court but he can always sell his name to a pharmacy conglomerate.

23.) Every time a big chunk of talk comes up about O.J. Simpson I have to double check because I forget if he’s still alive or not.

24.) We’re still fighting the Civil War, so much of the hate against a public safety net is about not wanting to share the wealth w/ minorities.

25.) We’re still fighting the Civil War, so much of the gun debate is driven by people wanting guns to protect their white privilege via force.

26.) We’re still fighting the Civil War and, myself, I still want the Union to hold and win.

27.) We’re talking OJ again right while people are trying to rob Ali of his ethnicity by saying he “transcended” it & dead-naming away his faith.

28.) A picture of Joe Mantegna in a warthog costume and the caption: “Hakuna Mantegna!”

29.) Considering how few players who start their careers at SS stay at that position, it’s a wonder there’s still shortstops at all.

30.) Your fanfiction about pop stars being transformed into mythical creatures via cursed tea will be called “The Lady Gaga Naga Chaga Saga”.

31.) Slavery and its allied racism is still the original sin in America’s DNA, the thing we still haven’t really faced. It underpins opposition to social welfare rights, buffets a lack of gun control, is intermingled into our hanging on to disproven faiths, it’s why America was one of the last to support South African apartheid, is one of the last to support Israeli-Palestinian apartheid, is the silent tone behind the dog-whistle of “state rights”, etc. It’s why hillbillies still want strong-man rich god-king leaders like Trump. It’s all still back there, still unchallenged, there’s still Southern Identity that people hold above American Identity, it’s this… thing we have so much more to deal with.

32.) As snapshots of a personality go, driving home last night after hosting a poetry reading, flipping between NPR & the Mets game, that’s me.

33.) A lack of self-doubt does not make good people it makes dangerous sociopaths. The ability to overcome self-doubt is a far far better thing.

34.) Instead of 26.2 stickers on cars to prove superiority to others, let’s put owed student loans in the thousands instead, actually help folks with visibility for something that isn’t a weird brag but rather a giant social problem.

35.) A person once told me I sound like “a Canadian surfer”. Is that what growing up in northern NY but spending six years in LA comes out to?

36.) When people shorten “Jesus effing Christ” to “JFC” on Twitter, all I can think of is “Jesus Fried Chicken”.

37.) The greatest junk food of all time would be battered and deep fried Girl Scout Samoa cookies.

38.) Put a toy horse in the cupboard. When someone asks you why say “It doesn’t need to go in the fridge, it’s shelf-stable.”

39.) A king’s ability to call first dibs on any delicious almond candy in his kingdom were known as his Prima Roca Rights.

40.) For Halloween, just put on a wizard hat, a red robe then glue a fake parrot to your arm. When someone asks claim to be “ORKO B. WARE”! (A part of my “You Have To Be A Nerd In Your Middle Thirties From North America To Get This Joke” series.)

41.) “Aren’t you sassy” she muttered condescendingly “Aren’t you a regular Vidal Sass-on.”

42.) Next time right before you flop into bed, just yell “TRUST FALL!” and then flop. It is just really life-affirming.

43.) I now own twenty VHS copies of Jerry Maguire. That is almost fifteen dollars worth of Jerry Maguire.

44.) When Mary Poppins was feeling particularly romantic, she called that chimney sweep guy her “bippityboppity boo”.

45.) Why can’t there be “Snoop Dogg’s Soup for Dogs”? I would buy the hell out of that for my mom’s mop-creature.

46.) The closed captioning in the Volkswagen ad said the music was by Beck. Body thetan expulsions don’t grow on trees, I guess.

47.) The fact that there’s 47 entries in my journal where I save the days’ ideas is probably a good sign that my head is clearing.