521 in idea barrages

1.) The only thing weirder than being on your old college campus 15 years later is to be there in the summer when it’s empty too.

2.) I think these new glasses are going to staunch the eyestrain headaches I’ve been having.

3.) Whenever someone is said to be “tough but fair” I imagine a fair honouring tough butts.

4.) Throwing out the last of her sex toys she thought “phallus doesn’t live here anymore!”

5.) I imagine each Earth companion of Dr. Who asks to first see if Jesus was real and those adventures are left out only for censor reasons. He’s been there so many times, he’s bored out of his mind with it but they keep asking and it gets harder to avoid paradox each time.

6.) I understand that allergies are allergies but does a toothpaste have to be labelled “gluten free”? Was there EVER gluten in toothpaste?

7.) The new thing will be reverse-influencers. Pay me to promote your competition and make them look bad!

8.) I can’t get over the idea that when we fall asleep we die and someone who thinks they’re us wakes up, over and over again.

9.) My childhood crush on Jo from “The Facts of Life” & 25% of the women I dig turning out not to be fella-oriented are probably related.

10.) All we can do is flip a coin as to whether this is the last gasp of the bigots’ culture war fantasies or a whole new beginning.

11.) All these gofundmes to protect hatemongers, a good protest vote would be to send me, a well-meaning artsy-type, money instead.

12.) Serve your lattes in wooden cups. Have the baristas paint concentric circles on top to simulate growth rings. Win Instagram.