53 in idea barrages

1.) I am opposed to the death penalty but for whomever decided to start calling appetizers “apps” I am willing to be flexible.

2.) After we invade countries, when they start getting our movies where we heroically fight off alien invasions, that’s gotta be something.

3.) You’ll start your super villain career humbly, hiring henchmen for cash in front of construction supply stores. You will be the Home Despot.

4.) Sometimes parodies start as one line out of nowhere. “not tall/for basketball/but he’s a teenage wolfman”.

5.) Thoughts I legitimately think: “wendigo. what’s the plural of wendigo? wendigeaux?”

6.) Is the bankruptcy of The Sports Authority the fall of an authoritarian regime?

7.) I’d love to hear a politician admit how the only argument left against drug legalization is “then where would the CIA launder its money?”

8.) Here’s a good line to offend nearly everyone everywhere: “Deepak Chopra is just The Long Island Medium for liberals.”

9.) Is the “tiny houses” fad our generation internalizing and making a fetish of the lowered expectations of our ruined imbalanced economy?

10.) Culture IS struggle. Culture is part of the struggle. What some mistake as weakly “taking offense” are attempts to end dehumanizing systems.

11.) If I had to backload my mind with all the things I don’t know about Game of Thrones & The Walking Dead, I’d forget even how to tie my shoes.

12.) The fact that now a drug delivery service can’t use the name “Instagram” is one of the internet’s lesser sins but still a shame.

13.) Even worse than the Flat Earthers are the Fiat Earthers who believe the planet can only function when backed by gold reserves.

14.) Heidi Cruz went on record that her husband wasn’t the Zodiac Killer. That’s exactly what Zodiac’s wife WOULD say.

15.) Encouraging the dog to go poo by singing “over there, over there, hear my word, lay a turd, over there.” As one does.

16.) The subliminal message in Michael Jackson songs is that he wants you to put jam on your toast. Jamon, jamon, jamon.

17.) Would Liger Woods be a superior or inferior golfer to Tiger Woods in his prime? Show your work.

18.) Hipsters who appreciate both the 80s and 90s ironically are retroflexible.

19.) Eventually we will reach the Geico Singularity, when it has so many advertising mascots that it has one for every individual adult American.

20.) If you write a movie about an animal running for President & you don’t call it “Mr. Chimps Goes To Washington” you’ve failed at your job.