419 in idea barrages

1.) Saw a hashtag with the phrase “on iTunes” and briefly hoped it was “oni tunes” like songs by monsters from Japanese folklore.

2.) A Firefox extension that replaces “America” with “The Fatherland” and call it The Trump Truth Translator.

3.) Call ‘em Charlie Davidsons because that sounds like a dentist’s name and most of them are driven by dentists.

4.) It’s after midnight and “World’s Dumbest” isn’t on TruTV. What the hell. There should be a law.

5.) Advertising a “dinner and show package” as a performer is usually good unless your customer turns out to be a flasher.

6.) If you ever have the context to in a pharmacy say “keep your friends close, keep your enemas even closer” you’re morally obligated to do so.

7.) There are along the Hudson River colleges named Bard and Sage. We need more schools named after role-playing classes out there.

8.) I know little about “The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” except that if Bruce Willis & Sam Jackson never show up, opportunity blown.

9.) Since I’ve been as such for 2/3rds of my life I don’t think I’m just lapsed anymore I think I’m officially a prolapsed Catholic.

10.) A comic strip about two hipster children at an elite Williamsburg pre-school called “Fancy & Smuggo”.

11.) Drink enough cheap beer and you’re gunning for a Coronal Ass Ejection.

12.) Oh, you don’t know the half of it. It’s part of a grand plan where eventually I become ADMIRAL Obvious.

13.) People think there’s a refreshingly slow pace in small towns but, really, that just means there’s nothing worth rushing to.

14.) Strip mining companies could probably get away with more if they started referring to their product as “inorganic produce”.

15.) If you have a pirate-themed pizzeria and you don’t call it “Pieces of Eight” I don’t even know what to say to you.

16.) When Jimmy Olsen is filling out medical forms & just writes “Superman” in as his emergency contact, it must raise some eyebrows.

17.) At “clean” comedy shows, do hecklers ever yell “NOT SOON ENOUGH”?

18.) Mainstream film has Oscars, porn has awards, what about softcore porn like on Cinemax? I’m gonna pitch a name “The Semis”.

19.) All your terrible red baseball caps are in the laundry. #durstworldproblems

20.) Please title the inevitable Deadpool/Wolverine crossover film “Wild & Crazy Guy”. Thank you.