410 in idea barrages

1.) I am sick of my beard again. If you are hot for my beard, it is time to compliment it so it does not get murdered tomorrow.

2.) If you can convince a mechanic that your beat-up van can last three weeks without breaking down, it has passed The Touring Test.

3.) I didn’t even know being part of a show bumped because the venue double-booked with a KISS cover band was on my bucket list but here we are.

4.) The only acceptable white male to be cast as the next Doctor Who is me. I’m just laying this down for the record ahead of time.

5.) Find a bird whose call sounds like “Too soon, too soon!” and keep it in a cage at the comedy club.

6.) Tomorrow is 4/10 or Talk Like An Linguistically-Inverted Trucker Day. Yeah, internet memes, try THAT one out.

7.) If you said there’s a reality show about a New Orleans bounty hunter called THE CAGIN’ CAJUN I’d believe you, that’s how far we’ve fallen.

8.) When you finish a bunch of things in one burst, you leave the process sure they’re all either terrible or amazing.

9.) Been watching videos of Sidewalk Cafe/Goodbye Blue Monday open mic peoples for about five hours straight now. Nostalgia grips.

10.) Being prolific is great if your self-esteem is borked. If you’re doomed to hate 83% of all you do, might as well make the other 17% bigger.

11.) There is a difference between making the first move and making the thirst move, don’t pretend we don’t all know that difference.

12.) I always find the term “forever-home” in pet adoptions weird, it sounds like a euphemism for a human cemetery.

13.) When the internet suggests a time-saver that is actually stupid, yell “Lifehack? More like… Lie… FAQ!” really awkwardly.

14.) Actually, Mr. Loaf, two out of three is a 67%. That’s like a D-minus, barely passing. That is actually objectively bad.

15.) SHOWER THOUGHT: Is there an afterlife for non-Force users in Star Wars? If so, do they get to interact with Jedi Heaven or…?

16.) I want a “block all live video on facebook” button by 5PM Friday. AND PICTURES OF SPIDER-MAN, PARKER!

17.) Jesus revved the car with the water-cooled motor and listened to the engine wine.

18.) My .doc file for tomorrow’s open mic is ten single-spaced pgs, eleven poems, three parodies, the last two days I’ve basically wrote & slept.

19.) They hate the term “Eastern European Mail-Order Brides”. They prefer “Personal Czechs”.

20.) So the lesson of BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN is if you choose loneliness because of impossible standards, everything will burn. Gotcha.