38 in idea barrages

1.) A parody that would be too much work for too few people who’d get the joke: “Alice’s Restaurant” about Phalluses Restaurant.

2.) Did Zootopia have a concert by a furry version of the Foo Fighters in it? Was the singer named Dave Growl?

3.) If you need to insult someone for knowing way too much about vampires, call them “Count FAQula”. This is my very specific gift to you.

4.) The bad thing about jokes is when the pun you have is SO GOOD but you know it could be construed as punching down so you gotta let it go.

5.) “Top o’ The Mormon To You!” would be a great auto-correct fail.

6.) Were I a hero fighting a British super-villain I would be all “you look like you need a lift!” then throw an elevator at him.

7.) My emotional processing programme seems to be: 10 Listen To Melancholy Music, 20 Go To 10

8.) The California flag except with a person crawling instead of a bear and the phrase “Human Republic”.

9.) I like to think that the city of Christchurch was named by someone pissed off on Sunday morning. “Christ… church.”

10.) SPOILER: The name Harry Potter gives his son “Albus Severus” sounds like the medical term for an accident during circumcision.

11.) I sincerely hope that Alaska’s only Guns N Roses cover band is called Use Your Aleutians.

12.) Down with casual despair, up with hard-earned hope.

13.) In the recent nightmare, I was in search of ancient mystic idols that induced emotion and I held Resilience and Despair at once.

14.) The Brits have a saying. “You can have sex with an Ewok but don’t be surprised if you end up in a sticky Wicket when you do.”

15.) Is the Southern equiv of “Netflix & Chill” “Sweet Tea & Pulled Pork”?

16.) Soul Machines Have Drums

17.) Tell people the Lone Star on the Texas flag is the morning star which of course is another name for Satan. Have a fun talk!

18.) A parody of the Obama “Hope” poster with the red and blue but with Hillary and the phrase “Limited Expectations”.

19.) Trying to stay positive in my situation is like trying to fight six stop-motion Ray Harryhausen skeletons at once but I battle.

20.) Whenever I do another poetry collection, maybe I’ll do it up like a Guns N Roses album cover and call it “Use Your Allusions”.

21.) “Why don’t you write stories about old people before they DIE?” has gotta be the most passive-aggressive comment on my life I’ve ever heard.