131 in idea barrages

1.) A barista themed wrestler with moves like The French Press and The Red-Eye.

2.) You get on the bus to L.A. because you think you’re already perfect to be a star and when you get off, she disabuses you of those notions. You go to New York City because you know you can’t make it alone and when she has time to talk, she tells you that you’re right.

3.) One day they’re gonna make ad-blockers illegal. It’s gonna be a reaaaaally interesting day.

4.) A literal observation is that you can’t spell “tofurkey” without “fu”.

5.) Forest Whitaker had a cameo in LoTR but he was obscured by ents. You couldn’t see Forest for the… ents.

6.) The public demands a replica of the Tanner’s living room from ALF in every town that we may chill in it.

7.) We are all a midget in a duck suit making love to Lea Thompson, metaphorically speaking.

8.) I hear Canada Ted Cruz named his balls “Tim” and “Horton” and his wang “Labatt’s Blue”.

9.) What I learned this weekend was the best way to have 50,000 people look at one of your tweets is if Mara Wilson and Cracked both retweet it.

10.) I want an Avengers story where the president gets exposed to Pym Particles called “THANKS, GROWBAMA!”

11.) Do people ever actually use those dinky little scissors on multi-tools? I never understood those.

12.) You won the gold in Olympic Stationary Climber. You won the staring contest.

13.) More stand-up comedy show fliers should be riffs on those fake sunglasses ads that bots throw up on facebook.

14.) If your superpower is failure, all you gotta do is jump and fail to land and suddenly you’re flying.

15.) Overcoming paranoia is about trying to overcome ego. Not everything’s about me & I must remember that’s a blessing not a curse.